Monday, September 19, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

I am feeling normal today. I guess my hormones have decided to balance out again. Tomorrow, could be a different story, so hang around for the roller coaster. I tried to finish up the paperwork today for the UAMS appointment for the new baby. The questions I have to answer yes to now, suck.... Have you ever...Given birth to a stillborn, a baby with a heart defect, how many births have you had..... I wanted to scribble them out and say N/A, but I know the truth even when I want to deny the loss. I know that this is in our and the baby's best interest to have all of these early test done, but I would give anything to go back in time. Where is Micheal J. Fox and his time machine when I need him?

I keep having to remind myself about the growing life inside of me. You would think my lack of being able to fit into any type of pants because of the in between thing I have going on, the need to visit every bathroom everywhere I go, would all remind me, but sadly there are moments where I forget and just remember my brokenness. Remember this blog is about me being open and honest and that will mean I may say things that shock you like that may have.

I see Sylas in my dreams and I try and find the new baby, but they aren't with him. I guess that's a good sign, right? His sweet face isn't swollen in my dreams. I want to reach to hold him, but as fast as he comes, he is gone. I want to ask him if he has seen the new baby. My nightly prayers always include asking God to love Sylas until I get there one day to love on him. I pray for an overwhelming peace for the inside of me that stays afraid of the unknown and I pray for each organ and body part of the new baby, even down to the toes. Strange huh? I always took those things for granted, now I have a whole new insight. This new life forming is in such a precious stage. Even before they were formed in my womb, God knew who they would become. What an awesome moment. I can't control everything, but I can control my prayers and I can control that I will trust a God who has never left me. That gives me peace even when the roller coaster I am on, is in the middle of one of the upside down turns.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, September 18, 2011

balance

I have to get back to blogging. It's the key to keeping my sanity. I seem to have misplaced it again lately. So many things going on and yet I don't seem to have the drive to do any of them. The new baby is set to make his or her appearance on April 22, 2012. I am terrified and excited at once. The testing with the specialist is on November 7th and I wish that day was tomorrow. I want to see Baby Tackett. To see their heart beat, to hear the heart beat. To know everything is going to be ok. I want to celebrate the life inside of me, but also know that life can change in just the blink of an eye.....In all of this, I miss Sylas.

Today, I laid on his grave and cried like I haven't cried in months. I looked in the sky and asked God to hear a mother's cry. I had plans for him, I had dreams for him. And in one small second, those were gone. He was gone. And here I am, mourning the loss of one baby and finding joy in the life of another. Where oh where is the balance? I know God had plans for Sylas and those weren't here on this earth with me. I know that God has plans for this baby and those plans, I pray, do include hanging out with Mom =) I miss the moments, I could have been sharing these past 3 months. Now, I am starting over again with a new life. I am so very thankful God gave me both of them! I should feel blessed that he chose me to have the strength to bare this, but some days I do have to fight the pity party. If I let it, it would creep up and try and take over.

I must find the balance to keep Sylas with me and also be able to let myself be OK to have joy in the new life. I am living to get to the November appointment. I want the Doctor to tell us, everything is A OK! Those would be the sweetest words I will ever hear. Before Sylas, I think I took pregnancy for granted. You want a baby? Boom, you have a baby. No if's, and's, or butt's about it. Now, I know oh to well how precious life is. I can do everything right, but sometimes that just isn't enough. That my friends, is the sucktastic part of life!

God, grant me balance. Keep my baby with me always and help me to rejoice this new life we ill soon get to know and name as our own. Help me that I don't loose focus on you and to not stop remembering, you didn't leave me.

"Peace like a river"....

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'm back!

My computer got hit by lighting...They really do know what they are talking about when they say, turn your computer off in a lightning storm..LOL I have missed blogging and so glad I am back.

I am coming along just fine. Not a day goes by I don't think about my sweet baby, but I am learning where those memories belong. I packed up some of the memories and things from the hospital the other day. It has been in the exact same spot for almost 3 months. I finally felt like I was in a ok place in my life to put them away. I won't lie, that moment was hard for me. Torn because I want to keep his memories fresh always, but knowing I can't have the sadness dominate my life.

Babies are being born, which I knew the time would come. I was supposed to have Sylas on Wednesday the 7th. What a bittersweet day that will be. To know he has already come and gone... No one prepares you for that in "what to expect when expecting". Who writes these books any way? I hear new baby cries, I have been in the hospital when my sweet cousin gave birth to her sweet baby boy, I had my pity party for myself (I was the only guest invited), and the great part is... I SURVIVED! That's the great part about life, the bad times don't define us, they define our strength. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Maybe God knew I would find that out through this, seeing as he's all knowing and all :) I have stopped questioning him. I see the good in Sylas's death and stopped focusing on the bad. My legs may have been taken out from under me for a little while, but I was carried during that point in my life. Now I am on my own two feet again and I am still being guided and directed.

There will be good days and there will be hard days, but I am never alone. That's what makes me never afraid of what is to come!

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Post what???

I debated on whether to write about this. I am not sure why, but it seemed like a sensitive topic. I decided that in order for me to heal and find peace with myself, I have to talk about what I face daily.

I went to see my OB on Monday. He isn't a doctor for everyone, but I adore the man. He told me that we had a 3% chance of having another baby with a heart condition, but all pregnancy's come with a 1% risk. I think 97% isn't all that bad of odds, but we will leave it in our creatures hands! He said that if he didn't see us before, he would see us in a year and told me he supported us in our journey for another baby if we so choose. The topic that I didn't want to discuss is what has has "stricken" me in the past couple of weeks. The anxiety that keeps me awake at all hours of the night, the overwhelming urge to cry when I know nothing is "really" wrong, the unrealistic and irrational fear that grips me. I was beginning to think I had completely lost my mind. I can't remember anything, I forget conversations I have with people. I never want Axton out of my sight. I balance money at 2 am. So not normal for someone who struggles daily with their OCD. After telling my doctor, he and I agreed it was more than my OCD and more than something that I can handle alone. He did inform me that talking to myself doesn't count as a therapy session. Nice try, Sharon! So the ugly word that I had so much dreaded came out, Postpartum Depression. I thought that only happened right after birth and in women who actually took their baby home! Apparently, I was wrong. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it and grief can make the symptoms appear worse. Am I ashamed that I am struggling almost 2 months after having Sylas? No. Am I upset because I wanted to be so strong and be able to cope like a champ? Yes. I call that pride. I have such a fear of failure in my everyday life, I almost called this bump in the road, a major fail. Then I realized, I am human! No super powers given, just a mommy who is grieving the loss of her baby and one whose hormones might be a bit our of whack still. Oh, how I'd love super powers right now. I put off cleaning, I can't remember the grocery list, I sleep when I can, but never want to get out of bed. Superwoman would do a far better job with her coping skills. This won't last forever and it won't be the death of me. I will survive! I just have to learn new coping skills and in this, I will find out what I am truly made of. I don't have a disease. I am human!

I don't know that I will ever find the "normal" that I grew accustomed to. I have a new normal. My new normal consist of talking myself out of fearful situations, that really aren't anything to worry about. My new normal is about adjusting me to fit God's plans. Sounds simple, right?? Wrong! I struggle with my inner self trying to be in control. I have the need to know everything that is going on around me, so that I don't feel that my world is out of control. I plan birthdays months ahead, I plan Christmas shopping and budget in June, I have the kids whole school year planned in my head...It's that human part of me. I laid it at God's feet last night. I can't carry this with me anymore. I didn't cause Sylas's death, I couldn't prevent his death, and I can't change the outcome. I have to cope with the reality. I am so thankful for everything around me and everyone in my life, so why can't I trust God enough to carry me? He always provides our needs, so why do I not trust him enough to come through now? He hasn't changed. He is still the same God before I had Sylas, that he is now. I have to be willing to ask for help. Pride laid to rest!

"Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25 No words could be more true!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Trying times...

"It is not so much that we are afraid of change, or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear."

Well hello there truth! I am not so afraid of where I came from or where I am going, I am terrified of the right now. I have moments in the day when I am OK and then like a summer rainstorm, the fear and sadness creep up. Today, in the middle of a workshop for my job, I saw a graphic design booth advertising their products and what did they have on display? A "Dr. Taylor Delivers only the best" onesie. My doctor! Seriously?! Out of all the products in the world, they do work for my doctor?? In the most random place, I had to choose how to deal with that. Cry and look like an insane person in the middle of a crowd of strangers or pray immediately that God would grant me a sense of peace and calmness. I chose option 2, but the first choice would have been more entertaining and eye catching =) And...God provided immediate peace. I am OK on the outside most days, but the past 2 days have been the most challenging since June. I think it has to do with school fast approaching, going back to work, baby showers, and soon arrivals coming. Normal life stuff! I have to remember to talk myself through the hard times and though I feel insane, it's normal and it's not all rational. The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem, right?

Axton spent the night with my mom last night and when I told him goodbye he hugged me with the biggest hug and wouldn't let go. I over analyzed that hug all night. He isn't a "huggie" kid to say the least, but neither am I. I wondered if something was wrong, was I never coming back, what was it??? And then I realized, maybe all of that insight he has in his sweet self, knew I was struggling with the day and needed to be held tight. My first born, my sweet earthly angel! He has so many questions and not enough hours in the day. He feels comfortable enough to talk to me about anything and I hope that relationship never changes. He asked if Sylas would have called him bubby like he calls Ike. I assured him that I believe 100% he would have. He tells me about the twin sisters God will send us. I reminded him God doesn't always answer our prayers...LOL Constant reminders in him, God know what we need. He knew before I was even formed, that Axton would be mine and I would need his quirkiness to make my life complete.

God, I am pretty sure I need peace. You have this under control and you always have. You are driving this boat, calm the storm in me. Thank you that even when I panic and cry because it's not fair, you still love me. Prepare me hart Oh God.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bad day?

Today all I have to say is, I am struggling..... I hurt, I cry, and I am human. The pain is raw. The reality is so real. I just ache. The tears have over taken me for the first time in a little awhile. It sucks. Harsh maybe? But, the truth no doubt.

I miss him......More than words can say, more than people may understand, I miss him... The reminders of the life that I won't see grow, are every where. Today, I don't want to see them anymore. I want to tune them out with the rest of the world. I want to be selfish, I want to throw a child size fit, I want to scream about all the unfairness of this entire situation. Yet, I won't. I will have my tears, talk to my God and I'll be ok.

God, see my heart and not the emotional wreck I am today. Use this to help me grow stonger in you. May I rest upon you today.

Until then....
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 24, 2011

rambles

In the giggles and the wiggles, my mind is still with you. From the beginning to the end, no one was with you each second of the day like I was. I wish I were still carrying you and keeping you safe from harm. I miss knowing you are with me. It's hard to drown out all of the noise and find calmness and peace. I may never fully understand your loss, but I know what they say, "Our loss is Heaven's gain". I just wish they didn't need you there more than being here with Mommy and Daddy.

I have a closet full of things for you son. It hurts me to even open the door to the closet, because of the flood of emotions it opens in my heart. I have toys for you, sweet gowns for you to wear, and plenty of blankets to keep you safe and warm. I called you "Sy" today and wondered if you would have liked that nickname, like Axton is called Ax. I held your cousin today and wished secretly you were who I was holding. She would have been your buddy. She's a sweetheart like you would have been. So many things remind me of what could have been and what will never be. Insert unfair moment here....I love you sweet baby boy. Nothing will ever change that.

God, grant me peace....

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy