Monday, September 19, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

I am feeling normal today. I guess my hormones have decided to balance out again. Tomorrow, could be a different story, so hang around for the roller coaster. I tried to finish up the paperwork today for the UAMS appointment for the new baby. The questions I have to answer yes to now, suck.... Have you ever...Given birth to a stillborn, a baby with a heart defect, how many births have you had..... I wanted to scribble them out and say N/A, but I know the truth even when I want to deny the loss. I know that this is in our and the baby's best interest to have all of these early test done, but I would give anything to go back in time. Where is Micheal J. Fox and his time machine when I need him?

I keep having to remind myself about the growing life inside of me. You would think my lack of being able to fit into any type of pants because of the in between thing I have going on, the need to visit every bathroom everywhere I go, would all remind me, but sadly there are moments where I forget and just remember my brokenness. Remember this blog is about me being open and honest and that will mean I may say things that shock you like that may have.

I see Sylas in my dreams and I try and find the new baby, but they aren't with him. I guess that's a good sign, right? His sweet face isn't swollen in my dreams. I want to reach to hold him, but as fast as he comes, he is gone. I want to ask him if he has seen the new baby. My nightly prayers always include asking God to love Sylas until I get there one day to love on him. I pray for an overwhelming peace for the inside of me that stays afraid of the unknown and I pray for each organ and body part of the new baby, even down to the toes. Strange huh? I always took those things for granted, now I have a whole new insight. This new life forming is in such a precious stage. Even before they were formed in my womb, God knew who they would become. What an awesome moment. I can't control everything, but I can control my prayers and I can control that I will trust a God who has never left me. That gives me peace even when the roller coaster I am on, is in the middle of one of the upside down turns.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, September 18, 2011

balance

I have to get back to blogging. It's the key to keeping my sanity. I seem to have misplaced it again lately. So many things going on and yet I don't seem to have the drive to do any of them. The new baby is set to make his or her appearance on April 22, 2012. I am terrified and excited at once. The testing with the specialist is on November 7th and I wish that day was tomorrow. I want to see Baby Tackett. To see their heart beat, to hear the heart beat. To know everything is going to be ok. I want to celebrate the life inside of me, but also know that life can change in just the blink of an eye.....In all of this, I miss Sylas.

Today, I laid on his grave and cried like I haven't cried in months. I looked in the sky and asked God to hear a mother's cry. I had plans for him, I had dreams for him. And in one small second, those were gone. He was gone. And here I am, mourning the loss of one baby and finding joy in the life of another. Where oh where is the balance? I know God had plans for Sylas and those weren't here on this earth with me. I know that God has plans for this baby and those plans, I pray, do include hanging out with Mom =) I miss the moments, I could have been sharing these past 3 months. Now, I am starting over again with a new life. I am so very thankful God gave me both of them! I should feel blessed that he chose me to have the strength to bare this, but some days I do have to fight the pity party. If I let it, it would creep up and try and take over.

I must find the balance to keep Sylas with me and also be able to let myself be OK to have joy in the new life. I am living to get to the November appointment. I want the Doctor to tell us, everything is A OK! Those would be the sweetest words I will ever hear. Before Sylas, I think I took pregnancy for granted. You want a baby? Boom, you have a baby. No if's, and's, or butt's about it. Now, I know oh to well how precious life is. I can do everything right, but sometimes that just isn't enough. That my friends, is the sucktastic part of life!

God, grant me balance. Keep my baby with me always and help me to rejoice this new life we ill soon get to know and name as our own. Help me that I don't loose focus on you and to not stop remembering, you didn't leave me.

"Peace like a river"....

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'm back!

My computer got hit by lighting...They really do know what they are talking about when they say, turn your computer off in a lightning storm..LOL I have missed blogging and so glad I am back.

I am coming along just fine. Not a day goes by I don't think about my sweet baby, but I am learning where those memories belong. I packed up some of the memories and things from the hospital the other day. It has been in the exact same spot for almost 3 months. I finally felt like I was in a ok place in my life to put them away. I won't lie, that moment was hard for me. Torn because I want to keep his memories fresh always, but knowing I can't have the sadness dominate my life.

Babies are being born, which I knew the time would come. I was supposed to have Sylas on Wednesday the 7th. What a bittersweet day that will be. To know he has already come and gone... No one prepares you for that in "what to expect when expecting". Who writes these books any way? I hear new baby cries, I have been in the hospital when my sweet cousin gave birth to her sweet baby boy, I had my pity party for myself (I was the only guest invited), and the great part is... I SURVIVED! That's the great part about life, the bad times don't define us, they define our strength. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Maybe God knew I would find that out through this, seeing as he's all knowing and all :) I have stopped questioning him. I see the good in Sylas's death and stopped focusing on the bad. My legs may have been taken out from under me for a little while, but I was carried during that point in my life. Now I am on my own two feet again and I am still being guided and directed.

There will be good days and there will be hard days, but I am never alone. That's what makes me never afraid of what is to come!

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Post what???

I debated on whether to write about this. I am not sure why, but it seemed like a sensitive topic. I decided that in order for me to heal and find peace with myself, I have to talk about what I face daily.

I went to see my OB on Monday. He isn't a doctor for everyone, but I adore the man. He told me that we had a 3% chance of having another baby with a heart condition, but all pregnancy's come with a 1% risk. I think 97% isn't all that bad of odds, but we will leave it in our creatures hands! He said that if he didn't see us before, he would see us in a year and told me he supported us in our journey for another baby if we so choose. The topic that I didn't want to discuss is what has has "stricken" me in the past couple of weeks. The anxiety that keeps me awake at all hours of the night, the overwhelming urge to cry when I know nothing is "really" wrong, the unrealistic and irrational fear that grips me. I was beginning to think I had completely lost my mind. I can't remember anything, I forget conversations I have with people. I never want Axton out of my sight. I balance money at 2 am. So not normal for someone who struggles daily with their OCD. After telling my doctor, he and I agreed it was more than my OCD and more than something that I can handle alone. He did inform me that talking to myself doesn't count as a therapy session. Nice try, Sharon! So the ugly word that I had so much dreaded came out, Postpartum Depression. I thought that only happened right after birth and in women who actually took their baby home! Apparently, I was wrong. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it and grief can make the symptoms appear worse. Am I ashamed that I am struggling almost 2 months after having Sylas? No. Am I upset because I wanted to be so strong and be able to cope like a champ? Yes. I call that pride. I have such a fear of failure in my everyday life, I almost called this bump in the road, a major fail. Then I realized, I am human! No super powers given, just a mommy who is grieving the loss of her baby and one whose hormones might be a bit our of whack still. Oh, how I'd love super powers right now. I put off cleaning, I can't remember the grocery list, I sleep when I can, but never want to get out of bed. Superwoman would do a far better job with her coping skills. This won't last forever and it won't be the death of me. I will survive! I just have to learn new coping skills and in this, I will find out what I am truly made of. I don't have a disease. I am human!

I don't know that I will ever find the "normal" that I grew accustomed to. I have a new normal. My new normal consist of talking myself out of fearful situations, that really aren't anything to worry about. My new normal is about adjusting me to fit God's plans. Sounds simple, right?? Wrong! I struggle with my inner self trying to be in control. I have the need to know everything that is going on around me, so that I don't feel that my world is out of control. I plan birthdays months ahead, I plan Christmas shopping and budget in June, I have the kids whole school year planned in my head...It's that human part of me. I laid it at God's feet last night. I can't carry this with me anymore. I didn't cause Sylas's death, I couldn't prevent his death, and I can't change the outcome. I have to cope with the reality. I am so thankful for everything around me and everyone in my life, so why can't I trust God enough to carry me? He always provides our needs, so why do I not trust him enough to come through now? He hasn't changed. He is still the same God before I had Sylas, that he is now. I have to be willing to ask for help. Pride laid to rest!

"Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25 No words could be more true!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Trying times...

"It is not so much that we are afraid of change, or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear."

Well hello there truth! I am not so afraid of where I came from or where I am going, I am terrified of the right now. I have moments in the day when I am OK and then like a summer rainstorm, the fear and sadness creep up. Today, in the middle of a workshop for my job, I saw a graphic design booth advertising their products and what did they have on display? A "Dr. Taylor Delivers only the best" onesie. My doctor! Seriously?! Out of all the products in the world, they do work for my doctor?? In the most random place, I had to choose how to deal with that. Cry and look like an insane person in the middle of a crowd of strangers or pray immediately that God would grant me a sense of peace and calmness. I chose option 2, but the first choice would have been more entertaining and eye catching =) And...God provided immediate peace. I am OK on the outside most days, but the past 2 days have been the most challenging since June. I think it has to do with school fast approaching, going back to work, baby showers, and soon arrivals coming. Normal life stuff! I have to remember to talk myself through the hard times and though I feel insane, it's normal and it's not all rational. The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem, right?

Axton spent the night with my mom last night and when I told him goodbye he hugged me with the biggest hug and wouldn't let go. I over analyzed that hug all night. He isn't a "huggie" kid to say the least, but neither am I. I wondered if something was wrong, was I never coming back, what was it??? And then I realized, maybe all of that insight he has in his sweet self, knew I was struggling with the day and needed to be held tight. My first born, my sweet earthly angel! He has so many questions and not enough hours in the day. He feels comfortable enough to talk to me about anything and I hope that relationship never changes. He asked if Sylas would have called him bubby like he calls Ike. I assured him that I believe 100% he would have. He tells me about the twin sisters God will send us. I reminded him God doesn't always answer our prayers...LOL Constant reminders in him, God know what we need. He knew before I was even formed, that Axton would be mine and I would need his quirkiness to make my life complete.

God, I am pretty sure I need peace. You have this under control and you always have. You are driving this boat, calm the storm in me. Thank you that even when I panic and cry because it's not fair, you still love me. Prepare me hart Oh God.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bad day?

Today all I have to say is, I am struggling..... I hurt, I cry, and I am human. The pain is raw. The reality is so real. I just ache. The tears have over taken me for the first time in a little awhile. It sucks. Harsh maybe? But, the truth no doubt.

I miss him......More than words can say, more than people may understand, I miss him... The reminders of the life that I won't see grow, are every where. Today, I don't want to see them anymore. I want to tune them out with the rest of the world. I want to be selfish, I want to throw a child size fit, I want to scream about all the unfairness of this entire situation. Yet, I won't. I will have my tears, talk to my God and I'll be ok.

God, see my heart and not the emotional wreck I am today. Use this to help me grow stonger in you. May I rest upon you today.

Until then....
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 24, 2011

rambles

In the giggles and the wiggles, my mind is still with you. From the beginning to the end, no one was with you each second of the day like I was. I wish I were still carrying you and keeping you safe from harm. I miss knowing you are with me. It's hard to drown out all of the noise and find calmness and peace. I may never fully understand your loss, but I know what they say, "Our loss is Heaven's gain". I just wish they didn't need you there more than being here with Mommy and Daddy.

I have a closet full of things for you son. It hurts me to even open the door to the closet, because of the flood of emotions it opens in my heart. I have toys for you, sweet gowns for you to wear, and plenty of blankets to keep you safe and warm. I called you "Sy" today and wondered if you would have liked that nickname, like Axton is called Ax. I held your cousin today and wished secretly you were who I was holding. She would have been your buddy. She's a sweetheart like you would have been. So many things remind me of what could have been and what will never be. Insert unfair moment here....I love you sweet baby boy. Nothing will ever change that.

God, grant me peace....

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I survived

Rumor is...I survived the baby shower with flying colors and the truth is, I did! I don't want to pat myself on the back and give myself a standing ovation, but I think I will. Please rise for this moment! lol I won't lie, there were times in the gift opening when I saw my angel in those clothes, using those bottles, being wrapped in those blankets... I had moments when I wanted to leave the room to just have a "moment", but I stayed and I survived! It didn't kill me like I thought it would. I found joy in the moments watching a new mommy to be, experiencing what I already have with Axton. The brand news, the what will be, the million and one questions about the wonderful world of being a Mommy! How awesome is it for her to be joining this crazy life we call Mommyhood!

Isn't it funny how we all have a different definition of survival. I could have swore it was when you went camping in the wilderness or something..Now, I see it as making it through each day stronger than when I went into the day. It means something totally different to each person. I am surviving. I am making it. A different way then I ever thought I'd have to, but I am OK. One and half months after letting my baby go back to the one who created him, I am still Me! A different kind of Me, but Me no less. I see people different, I love harder, I sleep less, I worry a little more, and I try to not miss a moment. I have even found myself laughing at things I never thought were funny before and letting Axton eat random things for dinner. Life is short and I know oh to well that hard truth.

And so, life goes on. New life is created and I am left to pick up and move on. People will begin to wonder when I stop talking about him or writing about him. In case we aren't clear, he's still my son. I won't harp on him, but I will bring him up if I feel that it's appropriate. We may or may not have any more babies, but if we choose to try again let me make two things clear, it's our choice and we know what our odds are. We also won't ever replace Sylas. He's our son. I have 2 sons, 1 with me and 1 waiting for me. The odds of another baby with a heart defect don't change from your average birth. 8 out of 1,000 babies are born with one from mild to severe.

God, thank you for your peace today. I never felt alone. I felt your hand on my all throughout the day. Bless this new life we will soon meet. May he always know what it feels like to have unending love! Grant me the ability to find my place again. And God, kiss him for me!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, July 22, 2011

Babies and more babies..

Some days just suck.....=) Other days I see life as my playground.....

Today, I am somewhere in the middle. I have a baby shower tomorrow for my cousin. Not just your run of the mill cousin, my very first one. She has always been one of my favorite people in this world. This is her first baby and we were due just days apart. We share a doctor's office and we have shared pregnancy updates. I will be in the waiting room when she gives birth, just like she has been both times for me. With Sylas, she was with me fro start to finish. She is amazing! It's such a bittersweet time for me to watch her go through all of this. Jett is going to be one lucky baby!

As Axton and I shopped for her gift today in Babies R US, he kept asking questions about Sylas. "Would Sylas have liked this if he were alive, would he wear this if he were alive"? "Mom, we would have to buy him shoes with this shirt". "I would like to buy him this bed if he were alive". Oh, sweet Axton, how I wish we didn't have to talk about him in the past tense. He is still dealing with his own questions. He doesn't grasp Sylas's loss, of course neither do I. We made it through the trip without me having any sort of crying session or meltdown. I am going to let you in on a secret, That shopping trip took every ounce of strength I could find inside of myself. I know that in less than a month and a half, I should be giving birth to Sylas and taking him home to be with his family. Instead, I have already had him and given him back to the one who created him. Insert the not so fair moment here. I won't feel sorry for myself at all. Why should I? This was the plan all along. I just wasn't aware of it until it was time.. I was created to be, over the top, insanely obsessive, never meet a stranger, always on top of my game, take care of the details, strong willed, and stubborn, because.....God knew I'd need all of those qualities to survive June 10,2011 and the days to come. He prepared me. Didn't I ask for that? Yes, I did. I was just hoping instead of preparing my heart, he would hear the other prayer and heal my son. God's timing, isn't always ours and his plan isn't always ours, but we survive and are stronger an wiser, because of his plans! And so am I. I am surviving everyday. It makes my hurt no less, but each day I am making it! And, Sylas is where he isn't sick anymore. See the plan =)

God, let your ways be my ways, your plan, my plan. In the times were I question or start to doubt, point me in the right direction. I can't do this alone. When the days seem like weeks and I can't find my balance, Lord, be my calender and hold on to me. Prepare me for what is next. Whatever it may be, I want for my heart to be ready!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 17, 2011

back to reality

A few days away with my parents in Branson was good for the soul. Axton shopping, not so god for any one's soul =) We are back to reality now. It had been 5 weeks since Sylas was born and I know I am healing every day. I am learning to sleep again without the nighttime medicine. I don't like feeling I am dependant on something, so I want to get back to some normalcy. I still see Sylas in my dreams, but instead of letting it upsetting me now, I let it bring me peace, that he isn't gone fully. I miss him so terribly. I grieve for the life that didn't get to be, the moments he won't be able to experience, and for all the things I won't be able to tell him. I am finding daily peace though. Life goes on and people count on me. I will always have this little box inside my heart, that holds everyone of the hurts, thoughts, moments, pictures, of Sylas. He will always be with me. When I look at Axton, I think of what Sylas would have looked like at 6 and if he would be as full of life as him. I have a thousand wonders and yet I have no answers. I see baby picture post, baby updates, a baby shower invitation on my refrigerator, and it all reminds me that God is creating new life. A double edged sword for me. The excited side of me, loves to see everyone so happy and sweet smelling babies around to love, but the selfish part of me wants so badly to have all of those post and pictures, be my own. In time I guess....

God, I continue to see you guiding me and loving me. Daily reminders are less painful and more of an excitement that I get to see my angel again one day. You promised to never leave me and I take you at your word. Help me in my own selfishness, that I don't get jealous of other's happiness and I rejoice with them in new life! And one more thing...Kiss him for me, lots of times!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Doctor's Appt.

I survived the Doctor's Office! I do adore my OB, but I wish he would move offices just for my visits=) I had no idea how many emotions would come flooding back to me. I relived the 8 weeks appointment with Tim and my mom. The ultrasound to find out he was a boy. The heartbeats...I was there all over again. God knew my heart and there wasn't a pregnant person in that office today that I could see. It made being back a lot easier to bare. I met with the Doctor in his office to go over the tests...

His genetic diagnoses.........46-XY...Defention, he was a boy! No down syndrome, no other chromosomal abnormality, nothing, but a sweet boy. We discussed the placenta/umbilical cord test and the Doctor and pathologist spoke about why he came to his diagnoses. Apparently when you exhibit the heart failure and swelling, plus a few other symptoms, they label it the blood disorder. Not knowing me or Sylas's history or our blood type, that's what he went with. After they spoke, I think they are in agreement, he died of Multiple heart anomalies. The swelling was due to heart failure. His heart was so bad, that he just couldn't survive and his body couldn't take anymore. Someone said, "From the moment his heart took its first beat, he was destined to die". What a harsh reality, but a very true statement. He was never made to live outside of my womb. He was my womb mate, but not made to be our housemate on this earth. I don't understand why God sent me a son I couldn't keep, but I think he understands, from watching his own son suffer. He knows my pain more than anyone. A destiny to be sent to us, but not to be our earthly son, those words just keep playing over in my head. Another, it's not fair moment! I asked about more babies in our future. Because Sylas had no chromosomal problems and the heart defect seems to be a random problem, he gave us the green light for our future. Tim and I were talking about it all tonight and I said, what a strange place that we are in. We never thought having children would be a discussion. People just get pregnant and have healthy babies, right?! Unfortunately, we know to well the answer to that question. I was relieved he didn't close the door for us forever. I wasn't ready for that yet. It's all in God's hands and timing.

What an awesome God you are. From the moment we found on we were expecting, to the day I received word the screen had come back high, to the testing, to delivery....You were always at work. Sylas wasn't meant to live on this earth, but he is living on in me. I look back today and watched how your hand was guiding me and molding me for the days I would face. What an amazing feeling to know I was never alone! My pain is real, but I am resting on your wings.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Monday, July 11, 2011

Noise!

Both boys back under 1 roof. The noise is in full swing. I am not going to lie, it helps keep my mind off things. Laughing, arguing, talking.. They adore each other. Their bond is a wonderful thing to watch. They both call each other "Bubby" and they live for one another. I have always been amazed at the two of them and I know they are enjoying this time back together. We did a little back to school shopping today. I just kept thinking, I should be about to give birth when school starts. I had plans for Sylas. Staying home with me and then staying with Mimi while I worked. Going to eat lunch with the boys, shopping on Fridays when I am off...Plans I can't make happen anymore. I go to see Dr. Taylor Wednesday. I am anxious about what he can tell me about the pathology report. I have so many questions, but I am trying to prepare myself he may not be able to answer them.

I have to prepare my emotional roller coaster self, that changes will come and go. Ike goes back Sunday for 3 more weeks with his mom, before he's home for good, school will start, I will go back to work, holidays will come, and the truth remains the same. God's ways are not my ways and I am still not in control. It's a part of reality, I am finally coming to terms with. I wanted so bad to hide the truth and fight with reality. That may sound awful, but I don't want to face the fact that this loss is greater than anyone will ever know. I am healing, but not the wound is so fresh and the scar is great. I will make it, because that's what I have to do.

God, may I always know you are in control. May, I not get ahead of you or your will. I pray that I am the mother and wife that you have planned for me. That they never doubt my undying love for them. Grant me peace in the middle of my insanity.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Happy 1 month Angel

May it never be goodbye. May it just be, see you later.

Parents shouldn't have to visit their children in the cemetary. It's a hard truth about life, I never realized we would face. We went to see his final earthlu resting place with Mimi and Papa today. Seeing the dirt beginning to grow new grass again, reminded me that new life is growing again where Sylas's lays. The sun was beaming down on him and as always when we visit, there was a calm wind blowing. We sent balloons to him again today. I hope he loved them just like Axton does. I wish we could have celebrated with him today while we held him, but I know he is being held by God now. I had the chance to sit beside him and tell him how much we missed him. I can't wait for him to tell me about Noah and Jonah. To tell me what he thought of meeting our grandparents. I asked him to watch over us and his brothers. To sneak in on Mimi and Papa each day to let them know he can see what amazing grandparents they are. I just wanted to tell him all the mommy things I can't say to him on this earth.

My heart aches and longs for him. No one may know the pain I carry. Even through my strange sense of humor and my not so funny jokes, I just can't dull the pain inside.

God, calm the storm in me. What if the trials of this life, are my mercies in disguise? Help me to see you in all things, not just the good days. I know that even though I may not feel it right at this moment, you are with me. You have never left me.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, July 9, 2011

and the time is coming

There were photographs I wanted to take,
Things I wanted to show you,
Sing sweet lullaby's,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like that?

I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All my life,
I will praise the One,
Who has chosen me,
To carry you.


1 month ago on Friday June 10,2011 at 9:38 pm, Tim and I became the proud parents to one of God's chosen angels. What greater honor than to be chosen by God to carry Sylas. Our grief is no smaller today then when we let our angel go, but we rest in the fact that he is safe in the arms of God.

Sylas, from the depths of my soul, I miss you. From the bottom of my heart, I love you. You may not be here with us, but you will never be forgotten!

I love you, Mommy

Friday, July 8, 2011

Who needs answers anyway

Once again, I am faced with the reality that I may never have all the answers I so desperately search for. I read over the pathology report and read my charts from UAMS. Nothing in those, but questions. Sunday is his 1 month birthday. I wish he were with us for the celebration. Today, I want a magic wand. To bad Cinderella's fairy godmother was a fictional character. I could use some bibbity boppity boo right about now.

Sylas and I were the same blood type, but his blood disorder would be for a mother and a baby that were not the same. His heart defect could have been caused by the blood disorder, if he had down syndrome, or just because he had a heart defect. Well isn't that a bunch of more confusion and question and answer session. I measured further ahead the entire time and he was big for the gestation. His swelling had to do with his hydrops, but I also could have been further ahead then what we thought. Still sucks :/ Nothing...Nada...Zero...Answers! I want it cut and dry. That's the OCD in me or as my sweet friend says the CDO(so OCD you have to have the letters in order..lol) I want the answers to just be there and the questions to go away. I want the fog of my life to be lifted, my memory to come back, and for life to be the same as it was before June 10, 2011. I don't want much, do I? I have needed peace the past few days. The medicine doesn't take my pain away and I want it to. Actually, I want the world to stop.......

And back in reality...The world keeps moving, the bills keep coming, the boys keep growing, and I have to find my entrance back into a world that isn't mourning the loss of my son the way I am. I am not sure how I am going to do that just yet. Not having the answers to anything is hard for a control freak like me. I get it God, this time it isn't about control, it's about being still and knowing you are God. Now my heart knows it, tell my mind.

God, I know the world won't stop because I want it to. Comfort me. The one month birth date for Sylas is in 2 days and I am not ready for it, prepare me. Prepare my heart Oh God for the days, weeks, months and years ahead. Comfort me as I sleep and give me rest. I want to feel him with me. I search for him in everything I do. Peace be still...

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, July 7, 2011

test results

Today the honest truth is....I am angry, I am hurting, and I have no clue when any of it gets better. I can not see past the fog I am living in right now. The pathology report of Sylas's umbilical cord and my placenta came back. I don't understand it and I won't see my dr. until the 13th. They gave me an earlier appointment for him to explain what he can. Things they found: nucleated red blood cells, Erythroblastosis Fetalis. Background on me: I am have O negative blood. I received shots with Axton at 28 weeks and another at birth since he is positive like Tim. When the blood crosses the placenta, mother and baby's blood can fight one another....Problem here.Sylas was O negative like me. Doesn't make sense does it? That's where the problem lies. I don't know what to think of anything. I didn't cause his down syndrome or his heart defect, but this blood thing, I feel responsible for. It's my blood that caused the problem to his. I am sure that's an irrational thought, but for a grieving mom I think maybe it's normal?? I fell apart when I talked to the nurse. My heart sank. I don't want another baby today, but eventually in time, I'd like to think we could try again, but that may not be possible. It's the cruel world truth, I so badly hate right now. I am being reassured I am not going crazy and what I feel is normal grief for being almost 4 weeks out. I am praying they are right. The crazy ward doesn't need me right now=)

So today just over all feels like a fail. I hurt, I am slightly numb, and I just want to lay down and cry, but I am can't get still enough to lay. I just walk the house. I can't find peace today and I know that is there.

God, carry me. I can't go any further.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Letter

Sylas,

I feel the need to talk to you tonight. I miss you terribly. I don't know how much my heart can break. Our time was cut to short. I miss feeling you at night. It's when I felt the very closest to you. I wanted so badly for time to stop when the nurses put you in my arms after you were born. I don't understand why we had to let you go so soon, but I know you are safe now and resting with angels. I pray each night that God will show you what kind of parents we would have been to you. That you will be held and loved like I would have held and loved you. My heart knows you are in a perfect place, but my mind isn't at peace just yet. I want so badly to be your mommy right now and right here on this Earth. Just know my sweet baby, that I will always be your mommy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and long for you. Axton ask about you and even said you went with us yesterday to the Museum. I hope you got to see the smile on his face and hear his sweet giggles of excitement. He draws pictures of you and knows you are sitting with the angels now. You may not physically be here in this house with us, but you are always in our hearts! Never forgotten.

I wanted to share secrets with you I won't be able to share as you get older. Mommy puts the money under your pillow, Santa is as real as you want him to be, Christmas is my very favorite holiday and Daddy says he doesn't like it, but we know the truth=) When your brothers are sleeping, I like to watch them and say prayers over them. I drink out of the orange juice carton when no one is looking. It hurts me to have to get on to your brothers. Mimi and Papa are my hero's, but Papa says hero's can't be alive. I think being a mom and wife to your Daddy and brother's is the greatest job of all! I cry when I drop Axton off at school. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom for a few minutes of quite time.

Those are just secrets for today Angel. More will come with time. I love you always! Keep a watch over us. Knowing you are there gets me through the day.

Mommy

and the days keep coming

I haven't blogged in a few days. With the craziness of the holiday and the madness of life, I didn't have time to sit. We loved sharing the 4th with lots of friends and family. It was the highlight of Axton's life until Thanksgiving in Disney World this year =) I watched the fireworks and thoughts of how much Sylas would love them too, just like Axton.

Today has just been an overall emotional day. I had what seemed like real dreams of Sylas last night. When I woke up I realized it was all a dream. Such a hard let down. I wish that I could hide the pain away in sleep, but sleeping just makes it all so real to me. I have conversations I think are real, but when I ask about them, I realize they were dreams. I tried to clean up and get more organized with the cards and letters we have received through this time. I went through some paper work from the hospital and Sylas's pictures fell out. I surprisingly didn't fall apart. I just felt heart sick. Time stopped for a minute. I filled out the paperwork for his death and still born birth certificate. I cleaned around his pictures, read the book "Mommy don't cry", and folded his blanket and pillow that he laid on while he was in the hospital. Apparently, I decided to punish myself all at once today. I did manage to survive the day so far. Going to Wal-Mart was again a blur. I have no idea why I can't grocery shop anymore without coming home with duplicate items I already have and zero meat. I am praying this "blur" fades and I can actually be a productive person again someday. Each day is a new day and the emotions that come with it are new to me. My panic about normal daily things, seem more apparent the past few days. Axton being out of my sight, remembering what bills are due, and did I sweep the floors. I have always had a super attachment to Axton, but it seems worse now. I explain it like this, I know what loosing a child is like and I can't loose another. The bills, I have always been a spaz about =) and the sweeping, I use as a tactic to help keep my mind off of things.

Axton asked about starting school the other day and I felt the panic creeping up inside of me. I can't imagine the day the boys start to school and I am left alone in the school to walk to my car alone. The quite is deafening to me. I am a big girl and will survive, but having Axton every day with me, helps the healing. Someone did tell me that talking about Sylas so much with Axton keeps him to much alive. I didn't say anything that day, but for future reference...Sylas is and will always be apart of our family. A son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, and a cousin. If you don't want to hear about my son, don't listen and don't read. Of course, that's the mommy in me coming out. We don't force the conversation on Axton, but he is free to talk about his brother and ask questions whenever he wants. We also don't go into extreme detail. We give him what we know as parents, he can handle.

God, you are with me always and I love feeling you near. My panic seems to be worse lately, grant me peace. Help me to face each day head on and to not be afraid to face my fears. Grant me the ability to speak up when I need to and keep quite when it isn't in your timing. May you always be represented in my words and my thoughts.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, July 2, 2011

right hand over the heart

'I do not mourn fr what you were, but for what cannot be-the unfinished life we did not share" Anonymous.

Such a powerful statement from a mother who lost a baby. I couldn't have said it better myself. I am not a tattoo kind of girl. Never have been. I just haven't ever wanted anything I wanted permanently attached to my body. Over the past week, I have just wanted his birthday on my wrist. So, last night after our dinner date at a steak house in no man's land, we decided to drive to a place we know. I now have Sylas's birth date on my right wrist. The symbolism behind that place? When placing my hand over my heart, he is always with me. Strange? Maybe, but not to me. I now have a daily reminder of what I no longer have on this earth, but will one day hold again. I take great joy in knowing I will see him one day. It makes the days without him a little less painful.

Our Anniversary is tomorrow and so is the annual 4th of July party at my aunt's house. "Worley" is one of Axton's favorite people and I am sure Sylas would have adored her just the same. Axton looks forward to this day all year. The fireworks end the day and his little face just lights up. I am so thankful God chose to give him to me! In my sadness, I have his little face to brighten any rough day I face. I think holidays will be the hardest parts for me. I want him to be enjoying all the things we are. I remembered today, he is! He is watching from the most perfect spot. He has the best view.

Happy 4th of July my Angel boy! I love you more than life. I would have gladly taken your spot if God would have let me. I miss you so much. My heart aches without you here. Not a moment in the day goes by where you aren't on my mind. Keep a watch over your brother's. Axton asked me today, if you could see him. I told him you always would! This weekend, I would love to show you the fireworks. I guess your seat is better than ours =) Daddy and I will never forget the 27 weeks I carried you and felt you everyday. We love you Angel!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, July 1, 2011

Anniversary

Our Anniversary is Sunday, but with the holiday, we are celebrating tonight. For the fist time in 7 years, I just don't feel like celebrating. I haven' even bought a card for him. I always do, but this year I can barley maneuver through the grocery store and get a few items on my list. I forget everything. I have talked for the past week of ideas of things to do, but I just don't have the energy to care where we go. I had been thinking in the past month, I would be pregnant and hot during our anniversary. I keep replaying those thoughts over and over today. That seems like a distant memory. I would love to still be pregnant and feel Sylas moving in there. His little personality forming. Wondering if he would be more like Tim or me. It all seems so unreal still. Someone did ask when I would get to the point of writing about something else. Just to be clear, I may talk about other things when I write, because there are more people in my house, but...I won't ever stop writing about Sylas. My life moves on from June 10, 2011, but he will always be my son! He is forever a part of my world.

Lord, as we celebrate 7 years of marriage, we thank you for what you have given us. The love we share can't ever be replaced. Thank you for be being the center of our home and our hearts! Without you guiding us, we would never make it.

Until then...
Syala's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mommy's brain is tried

Slow down brain, I can't keep up. The noise levels seem high today. We had to leave the pool early, because Axton has been acting out. A 2 hour nap seems to have worked just fine. I feel angry at myself. I feel like if Sylas were still here, Axton wouldn't be having such a hard time. Ike being gone for so long, is hard on Axton to take too. So many changes for his small world. As a mom, I feel responsible. I want to look at him and say, Mommy's brain is just tired. I am so Axton that all of this is happening to you too. If I could take this away, I would! 2 brother's gone within a week of each other, isn't fair! I just had to pray today that God would help me to stop being so "busy" to keep my mind off of things, that I would cherish the moments I have. I get so consumed with hiding my grief and laughing to help the pain that I am missing all the things going on around me. My mind wanders away most of the day. I have a hard time deciding what really happened during the day and what part was in my dreams. I try to fall asleep without the medication, but my mind never stops. I have regrets, fears, and a host of other things that take over. Tomorrow is 3 weeks since we had Sylas. It feels like it was yesterday. I miss him like it was yesterday. I do the fun things that we always do each summer, but I never fully enjoy them. I just feel, lost.

God, help me to be present. I feel lost and out of place. You know my heart and I so badly want to be here, yet I am with Sylas. I pray that you would send me peace. Calm my fears and my hurts. I can't make it without you. I give you the wheel. I need to be the passanger now. I have always wanted to be in control and always have life planned, but I can't do that anymore. I go where you go!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

day dreams

There are days where I feel like I am going through the motions. Today is one. I am here, but my mind is with him. Axton asked today if Sylas was still alive, would he sleep in his room? It got me thinking about why we had to talk about him in past tense? Not fair moment! I got these most wonderful bracelets yesterday with Sylas's name on them. They were given to me by favorite boss and money donated to the March of Dimes in Sylas's memory. It is a cherished possession. I did go off into dream land and wish that he was with me instead of his name on my wrist. He would have loved the 4th of July. It is mine and Axton's favorite holiday other than Christmas. Even if he would have been in the hospital, we could have taken him things to show him how wonderful it is. Laying at the pool reminds me of him. I wish I couldn't enjoy pool time, because he was hungry, sleepy, or it was to hot for him. Everything is a memory of me being pregnant or a memory I wanted to share with him. I had dreams for him and things I wanted to share with him. I pray God can show me to him and what kind of mommy I would have been to him. I pray he knows how much I wanted him and would have taken his broken heart for him! When I see babies I go away to my perfect land, where that baby is Sylas and he is still here with us. Reality sets in and I come back and remember he is just in my heart, not in my arms.

Days come and go, but God stays the same. I know he can't ever be with him on this earth again, so God send me peace. Help me to share his life and rejoice the 27 weeks I had with him. Heal the hurt. In the pain comes blessings, help me find the blessings daily.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Memories

Today I am in a different place. I have been having memories all day of the days leading up to Sylas's entry into this world. I remembered things like it had happened yesterday. I guess we can't forget the awful things forever. The doctor's appointment when they told us, his heart chambers were asymmetrical and he had dilated kidneys. I remember walking to the car and laying my head on Tim's chest, to fall to pieces. I am still laying my head on his chest. He is my rock! We had never expected that appointment to be anything but routine. Tim wasn't even supposed to be there with me. He had to work, but that day for some reason, he was off. I even told my mom on the way to the appointment that, God must have a reason to have Tim be there. Those words caught up to me later on. When they scheduled us to come back June 9th, we prayed for God's healing to be all over Sylas. I wanted that to be the case. I know God can heal. He is the same God who parted the Seas, don't I know he is the same God today! In all of this, I have known something wasn't right from the beginning. Of course it was "right", because God had a plan. I think mom's have a way of knowing things, other may not. I call it my "powers". I know that God had prepared me. June 9th, was an even harder appointment. I prayed all the way to UAMS. Tim knew from watching the ultrasound that something was very wrong. He tried to tell me that when we had to switch rooms, but I don't him not to worry. Then the cardiologist confirmed exactly what Tim had told me. Sylas's heart chambers were there, but he had one huge chamber and 3 little chambers. The fluid was everywhere. His mitrial valve didn't work and he also had a missing valve. I asked if he would survive outside the womb. She cried when she said, she didn't see him surviving much longer and he wouldn't be able to live outside the womb. How awful is that news? That wasn't anything like what we expected. I just wanted them to tell me he had down syndrome and send us home. It was a nightmare and time seriously stood still. A high risk doctor came in later and told us when he stopped moving to call my OB. She gave us less then 4 weeks for him to survive. Those words still haunt me! Each move I felt, could be his last. I still to this day can't wrap my head around that. Was he in pain? Was he suffering? No one could tell us that. It crushed me. Knowing that his time was cut short and at any moment, his time would come. I don't know when I will ever process all of that and the emotions it comes with. I just wanted it to be a dream and for me to be able to wake up!

He also prepared my marriage. Tim is the love of my life and has been for the past 8 years. We have had some major ups and downs, but this one takes the cake. From day one of us dating, many people had thoughts and opinions. I am sure we out lived people's "bets" on our longevity years ago. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him, he was it! Our marriage has been tested other times, but nothing like the loss of our child. We are closer now than we have ever been. I have watched him as a father and a husband, in way I never imagined. To busy maybe to notice? Probably. Never the less, I am in awe now. The nights we slept together in the hospital bed made for none. The nights, I sit up and watch him dream. I just need to hear him breath. I know that my life is what I want it to be, because of him. God knew I would rely on him and he would rely on me. He has been preparing us for 8 years. He knew that June 10,2011 would be a struggle for us individually, so he gave us a soul mate and we have never been alone. We talk about Sylas as if he were with us now. We lay in bed and cry when the night quiet creeps in. We laugh at each other and we still flirt, because we need that! My love for him strengthens daily. We both mourn the loss differently. I am very talkative about my grief, he is a little more inward. God will continue to prepare us together for what our future holds.

God keep preparing us. We are your clay, mold us. Help us to be the parents to our boys that you would have us be. As each day brings new emotions and situations, hold our hand. Th healing comes in the pain. Heal our hearts and our spirits. Hold my baby God, until I can hold him!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Monday, June 27, 2011

Axton Day

I have moments in the day when I find the new normal. There are other moments when sadness over takes me. Axton and I went to see Cars 2 today. I love time with him. He is one of the key people in my healing. He and I have always had a special bond. He is more like me then I like to admit. Sassy and all. During the movie he leaned over and laid his head on me. It was one of those moments, where time stood still. I wanted the world to stop and to stay just like that forever. He isn't a hugging child, but I am not a hugging grown up. When he has moments like that, I cherish them forever. He doesn't understand his brothers loss. He wasn't exactly "real" to him yet. He is very black and white and since he didn't see him after his birth, he isn't sure he truly existed. I hate that for him. I wanted him to bond with his sweet baby brother. For the two of them to have the bond that Ike and Axton have. He was excited to feed Sylas and to hold him. I wanted that so badly for him. I talk to him about Sylas as much as he will let me and as much as he can understand. I want him to always know he has an angel in heaven watching over him and he can all him Brother!

I just miss him. I miss his movements. I miss knowing that he is right with me all the time. I wanted those moments I had planned for him. I am still not prepared for the new emotions I have everyday. Some days I feel ok, other days I want to scream and cry because I feel so alone in my mourning. I am pretty sure all of that is normal. If it isn't, that wouldn't shock me either =) I know I am healing. I know he is with me, but it doesn't make him physically with me.

God, carry me. I can't seem to do it myself right now. I need you now more than ever. Though Sylas isn't here in my arms, he is in yours. I rest in that. I thank you that I always feel you with me. I can't imagine going through this without you.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, June 26, 2011

traffic jam

And today it came..The let down. In the middle of church, I realized it. We're alone. Not in the sense of not having the greatest friends and family surrounding us, but the fact that not everyone understands the hurt and anguish we have inside. I don't blame anyone for that. No one needs that feeling. I feel like a rubbernecker holding up traffic for a stalled car. I am just sitting still while the world needs around me. In my 'healing humor", I named it...I had a moment. Someone said, I am so sorry for your loss. After they walked away, I looked at Tim and said, I didn't loose anything, did you? I know that person meant the sweetest and most wonderful thing, but it's true. I didn't loose anything. I know exactly who drove Sylas away from the hospital and I know exactly where he is today. We placed his sweet casket in the ground in a cemetery with my family. I don't have him with me, but he isn't lost. He is right where God wanted him, heaven. I don't understand that and probably never will. I have moments where I have to say, "Seriously God, there was no other way in your master plan". "None"????? In my catch phrase I use daily, "It just sucks". No other way to put it. I think God knows my heart. I am not angry, I just have questions.

Baby showers are coming up. I have been told it's ok not to go, but why wouldn't I? It's not these sweet girls fault my baby isn't with me. They have an exciting time ahead of them. I want to celebrate life! I still celebrate the life Sylas could have had. I will buy a gift and I will eat their cake =) I just don't want to be the silent whisper in the corner, you know "She just buried her son". I want people to know even in in the circumstances, it's ok to treat me like normal. No tiptoeing. I like talking about Sylas. It makes him close to me and keeps his memory alive. Don't stop celebrating babies. I love babies! If I get overwhelmed or upset, not many people would ever see it. I deal alone and keep moving. I dread the 5 week check up more then a baby shower. He will have Sylas's pathology report. That's the day I pray for right now. God, prepare me fully for that day. I haven't been there since he induction day and we all know how that turned out. I also know he will give us our medical odds for the future. I didn't know we would ever face that. Medical professionals telling you what the future of babies look like for you. That should just be a part of life, remember Adam and Eve?? They didn't help birth not to hurt, but they had babies no problem. I thought that would be us. I never thought medical science would have to tell me otherwise.

God today is hard. I just don't feel it today. I feel as though the world is moving and I am standing still. The whole traffic jam because of a rubbernecker comes to mind. I need you. I don't want to be stuck, but I also don't want to loose him with me. I need a balance of life. In the middle of this storm, calm the seas. You can command the wind and the waves to stop. Throw me a life jacket today.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, June 25, 2011

seeing Sylas

I actually did the things I had on m to do list yesterday. Now, I did forget certain items that I will have to go back for. But, half a list is better than none, right? Axton earned money yesterday for cleaning his room on his own without being told or having a meltdown. An amazing thing around here. He asked to buy a Wrestler, but he only earned 5 dollars =) In his most curious voice, he reminded me that Walmart commercial say, Everyday low prices, so in that scenario, he should be able to afford one. His logic and humor help me get through each day. There is never a dull moment in our house. We did show him a picture of Sylas last night. It was black and white and he just looks asleep. His only question, why didn't I let him see him when we was born? Can you say mommy guilt?? I tried to explain that he was sick, we weren't sure how he would feel to see him. Of course that didn't go over well. He informed me, he was afraid of clowns not babies. The mommy job is hard. We make decisions based on what we think our children can do and can handle. I will always have a piece of regret for not letting them see Sylas, but that choice is what we made in a "we are the parents and we do what's best" situation. It was such an emotional time that no one could prepare you for. A 6 year old with Asperger's and an 11 year old who is leaving in a few days for summer visittion to his moms, not the ideal setting for holding their brother who was already an angel. Neither of them are what would call ready or the hard parts of life just yet.

I am sure this is one of those moments, when though I don't want to admit it, it's just like God our father and what he does for us. He chooses what we can and can not do based on our ability. He apparently sees strength in me to handle this loss, even though I didn't know it existed. Being a parent is a hard job. I can't imagine God's job.

Thank you God for our children. For their questions, concerns, personalities.Thank you for taking care of us just like we take care of them. You make promises and you keep them. You never leave us and just like when they don't understand what we do or why we do it, there is always a reason. God, there is a reason you have Sylas and we don't. Hard to swallow, but you are not a mean God. In time God I pray, help me to see a blessing in the pain. I keep you at your wordand you said, You would never leave me, nor forsake me. I hold you at that!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, June 24, 2011

a new normal?

Today's agenda, grocery shop, vacuum, and remember today 2 weeks ago my angel was given his wings. Happy Birthday my angel! I still miss you like it happened today! I have been avoiding the others. I loved going to Wal-Mart before loosing Sylas and now I hate it with a passion. The lines move to slow and I have time to think, the isles are to small and I seem to have a panic attack each time I am there. None of these things were an issue before. I had a hard time vacuuming while I was pregnant because of my swelling. So, now it just reminds me of before. After I said, I am going to have to find normalcy even though I want things the way they used to be, someone said, I am just finding a new normal. Such a powerful statement. I never wanted a "new normal". I never dreamed this would be my life. I expected to be a new mom in September and there was nothing anyone could have done to tell me otherwise. Well, until April. I still struggle with the fairness of all of this. I dream of him. I dream of him growing up and being a mama's boy just like his brother. The dreams seem so real,until I wake up and look for him and then I grieve all over again.

I am almost at pre-pregancy weight. I only gained 6 pounds, but I was only 27 weeks along. In the last few weeks I had so much fluid, that added up too. So, why am I so sad about fitting into my clothes again? Why am I so sad because my stomach doesn't say, baby on board? Because, I am loosing those memories of him. I feel guilty because I complained about the swelling. I thought it was just a summer time thing. I had no idea I was swelling because he was so sick. I would take back each complaint, each whine, each sleepless night, to have one moment with Sylas! I would gladly snore all night because I couldn't breath. I just want to be in the "old normal". You know the one where I have a baby in my stomach and plans to be hatched.

Someone said to me yesterday, that they couldn't believe we would ever consider having another baby one day. I think my shocked face was enough for them to give a reason. Because they didn't think it was fair to my parents. Now mom and dad if you are reading this, know that I love you more than life...But, we don't have babies for anyone other than Tim and I. ;) Of course, I wanted to say to this person, Do you know what we are facing? You don't know our grief! How are we supposed to say we won't ever have another baby? I wasn't under the impression that we got those choices. God will prepare our hearts in time for the entrance of Sylas's baby brother or sister or God will prepare us for great things that don't involve more babies. Just for future reference, I wouldn't say those things to a grieving parent..ever! And, I also know that my parents are grieving this loss too. They haven't left our side. They were with us from induction to delivery. I can't imagine the loss for grandparents, who just like us, had plans for Sylas. My parents are my rock! I know that without them, I couldn't have made it to the 2 week mark today.

God, as you prepare my heart for the future, you know the future I can't see beyond my grief, help me to feel you near to me. I would be holding my baby tight to my chest, God hold me tight to yours. You promised, you would never leave me, nor forsake me. I take you at your word. Hold Sylas close to my heart always. I need to feel him!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Talking...

No medication today and I managed the entire day. I take that as a small victory in the battle of my sanity. I won't take it as a set back, if tomorrow doesn't go as well and I need it. I find myself longing for Sylas during the day lately. I miss those moments I could be having right now. Bath time, bed time, feeding, the smell of a new baby. You know all the fun things of mommyhood. I don't know if those longings ever go away, since I am so new to this grief and loss thing. Axton seems to be struggling lately. With Asperger's for him and OCD for me, our life is very structured. Neither of us do good with craziness or being off schedule. Right now, we have zero schedule and are good to be in bed before midnight. My task right now is to find a way to find normalcy in the madness. He did ask last night why he couldn't see a picture of Sylas. We have one picture that if we can photo shop just a little, he could see it. We just told him we would show it to him soon. He said "If you won't show me, Jesus will". I guess he knows where our help comes from too.

I told Sylas's story today at a bereavement training class. I don't know if it helped the nurses who were training to help people like us, but I know that me talking about him, helps me. I am pretty sure, God is on to that. The more I talk about Sylas, the closer he is to me. People seem taken back with how open I am about our loss. I would have thought with my insane personality, nothing would shock people. He isn't fully gone if he is always talked about. I also feel like the healing comes in the pain. The nurses and staff at St. Vincents are family to us. They have left an imprint on our hearts. In a time of loss and grieving, we had no idea what kind of impact strangers would have on our lives.

God, if I learn anything from Sylas's death, let one thing be for me to always draw closer to you. As the song says, The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you. I find you daily, in the most random places. Places that have always been, but I have been so busy, I haven't paid attention. You have my attention now God. Fully!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

move over world

Home after a few days of a get away with my family and then for our church camp. I think I thought the pain would be masked in the middle of it all....Wrong! In the madness of life, I find myself missing my sweet baby more. My heart aches, my mind is not at rest, and some days I feel so numb. I will miss him everyday and in every way. The world keeps moving and so do I, but not the way I used to. I feel like I have lost part of me in Sylas's death. No on can prepare you for that feeling. I laugh, but today I felt how forced it was. That's not me at all. I have all the jokes and laugh at myself when no one else does. We dropped off Ike for summer with his mom, Tim had to go back to work, and Axton doesn't want to be at home. To many changes for me. feel out of control and can't seem to regain it. Maybe I am not supposed to. I also have had to talk to God about why people who do bad things, get to carry their child all the way and keep them. It doesn't seem fair at all. God is still preparing me.

I told someone this week, that I feel people either avoid the subject or avoid me, because maybe they don't know what to say. I also feel like people try and give me their own problems, that right now I find so trivial. I don't want to ever belittle someones problems, but if all you have going on is a leaky faucet....I wouldn't tell me right now =) People don't understand our loss and as much as they try, they can't understand our grief. The real world is calling..You know the one with babies, pregnant women, and happy people. I have a hard time wanting to join in that world right now. Not that I don't have a million things to be happy about and I am, but the others I could live without right now. I have this feeling people think we should move on, but how do you do that? The pain is just so real and we only buried our baby 1 week ago. I think it's like a scar, you heal in time, but always have a reminder of what happened. My heart is permanently scared.

I also heard this week that, when we give our lives to Christ, we have no idea of the commitment we are giving. We have no idea what God will ask of us and how our faith will be tested. If we did can you imagine how many people would choose not to serve? It's going in blind faith and 100 percent trust. So, God know my heart and right now it aches so bad I feel each beat, but God I will serve you no matter the circumstance. It makes the aching no less, but I do know that you are in charge and I take refuge in that.

I just miss him so much. The pain is that real.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Birthday

Today I medicated like I was supposed to, actually slept without trying out the chairs in the house, managed to remember some sort of lunch for the boys, and got out the door to go to the movies with my mom and aunt. The boys need the normalcy. I think I don't, but I know I do. In the middle of the movie, it hit me. When people use the expression, Like a ton of bricks, I now know what they mean. Today, one week ago we had Sylas. I apparently thought today was Thursday until 2 o'clock. My heart sank when the day came to me. All the flood of emotions came over me. I kept thinking I should be holding him, hearing him cry, feeding him, loosing even more sleep then I am now. Instead, I am barley hanging on. Daily task are a blur, the days run together, my children eat whatever they want, laundry gets folded when I remember I put it in the dryer...Oh how I miss my baby. My heart is heavy, my faith has been tested, and yet I am not alone. He was perfect at birth. Swelling and all. God could have given him to us with all of that swelling and we would have taken him home to be the love of our lives. No one knew just how sick he was until he was born. He was still my perfect angel. I cried that day for the life we lost and he could have had. For the brother's who wouldn't be able to show him what brotherly love is all about. I still cry for Tim and I. There will always be one empty seat at our table and an empty spot in our hearts. It may get more distant with time, but he won't ever be forgotten!

Where is the fairness in all of this? I had plans for Sylas. Halloween costumes, day after Thanksgiving shopping, Christmas presents, and a birthday party to plan!! I had pictures I needed to take, kisses I needed to give, booboo's to fix. I don't get those chances anymore. God, if you know anything about me and you know my heart. I rarely get angry and I try to always have a smile. Today, I am forcing it. I bought a cell phone for one son and a video game I swore was to expensive and I would never buy for the other. Today, I realized life is that short and money means nothing if I don't have my boys. Tim is the normal sucker...=) I wanted to throw another fit today in the lobby of the movie theater. I chose to skip it and ate a box of milk duds instead. I skip most meals anyway, so this will make it better for the time being.

I don't want to feel so heavy anymore. I want this to be a dream. I want to be celebrating today, instead I am mourning on the inside! God hold my heart as you hold my hand. Give me the strength to keep going and to not let go. Though they slay me, in you will I trust! Help me to feel your presence even when I can't see you. And today God, while there is no week old birthday party me and MichaelShell can throw, because she would, throw a birthday party for Sylas with our grandparents who are already there! You said you would give us the desires of our heart and know mine today, it involves a party for a perfectly healthy baby Sylas!! Happy birthday my sweet angel baby. I love you to the moon and back!

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, June 16, 2011

the world doesn't stop..

I am not sure I am ready for the outside world just yet or better yet the world may not be ready for me! I just want to sit on the floor and scream, "Don't you know my heart is broken"? "Don't you know I lost my baby?" Of course the world won't stop because I am grieving. I just want it to. Today is one week since I went into the hospital to be induced. I keep hoping it's a dream. That night was so awful. I had to tell the boys before we left that we would go to the hospital, but baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us. They didn't understand. Ike wanted to know why we couldn't fix his heart. Axton wanted to know if we could have a sister next time. I guess that is expected from a 6 year old with Asperger's. Mom drove me to the hospital and I needed that time with her. She has never left me in this entire process, even now. I need her more than she knows. I told her that day, I want so badly for a miracle to happen, but I knew as many mommy's do the truth. The miracle wasn't in saving Sylas, the miracle would be somewhere else.We couldn't sleep that night. No one could. How could we? We knew the outcome of this whole induction. Birth and leave Sylas behind. What a cruel world, I thought that a million times! God sent me angels in form of nurses who never left me and grieved along with me. Even in the middle of our own personal hell, God took care of me and sent me Christy and Queena. I can't tell you how much it meant to me.





Today someone said without knowing what it would do to me, "You don't look like you just had a baby". I wanted to say, "But, I did just have a baby. Don't you know that??" I told Tim today it's a catch 22. It's hard to have the reminders and no Sylas, but it's also hard to be loosing those memories of pregnancy so fast. I just want the world to stop!





When we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't for the life of us come up with a name. We have Axton, who's name is so unique, we couldn't go with some ordinary name. We just called him, the baby who shall remain nameless or Tick Tackett =) When the day came and I found Sylas, I told Tim and we said "That's it"! As I read about Paul and Silas, I was reassured that we picked the right name. Even in the middle of prison and being chained up, they sang and praised God. Never loosing heart. That is what my Sylas did. Even in a real life struggle, he fought and we praised God for the gift! I guess that's the hard part about life. We so badly want God to fix it and make it all better and when he doesn't, we just stop praying and praising him. It's like "I want this gift and if you don't give it to me, I won't speak to you again". What kind of love is that? One sided? I don't want to show one sided love to God. Even though my angel isn't here, God didn't stop loving me and he isn't mad at me. I can ask him questions. Our own children question us, it's no different for us to question God. He knows my heart and knows it's breaking and and I don't understand his plan! He still loves me and will bring me peace in the pain.





I sleep little, because when I sleep I see my baby. The pain is so real at night. The quite from the madness of the day is deafening. The boys go to bed and Tim tries to sleep. I just walk the house. I find myself humming now. It seems to bring me peace. Today the song was, It is well within my soul. As the days drag on, I have no idea what day it is. All I know is that, It is well within my soul.





Until then...





Sylas's biggest fan


Mommy

more of the story

Today we will go and have a plate with Sylas feet prints, birth date, and weight, fired at a pottery place. It was donated in love from Axton's 1st real school. These are memories that will last Tim and I a lifetime. Thank you Allen School! Tim also went back to work today. I felt a panic when I heard the door shut. He is my rock and when he is even in the next room, my heart feels it. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and father. We will get by today. I can see two empty cell phone battery's in our future. Thank you Lord for unlimited minutes!

Yesterday, in everything I forgot to say how big my angel was and what time he was born. Mommy moment I guess. I was 27 weeks and he weighed 4 lbs. 9 oz, was 15 inches long, and was born at 9:38 pm on June 10, 2011. Very similar to his brother who was at 37 weeks, 7 lbs. 9 oz, 19 1/2 inches long, and was born at 9:22 pm. Even their birthing situation was similar. An induction for medical reasons for me. I also forgot to tell you, that in all indications, he did have down syndrome and something called hydrops(edema). His heart chambers were fluid filled and he mitrial valve did not function. He did not have a heart that could live in the outside world. Lots of other places on his sweet body had so much fluid and he couldn't pump it off. My doctor thinks, that I took on some of his fluid in the end. That would explain my giant hippo feet, I am still on medication to relieve.

I told my sister and Tim yesterday, that as I grieve and mourn, I had to question God and ask, "Is this it God? Are there no more babies for us? Will I never know what it is like to be a new mom again? Is his how it ends for us? God, if this is the case, prepare my heart for that to come". I won't ever replace my perfect angel EVER. I think that when the pathology report comes back and gives us the exact markers and our risk for a future pregnancy, God will prepare me if sweet Sylas was the grand finale of gifts! And if that is the case, what greater present than that of one of God's chosen angels!! I feel honored that he chose us. It makes the pain no less though. I still can't sleep and when I do I dream that this is all a dream and Sylas is right next to me in his bassinet. The way it should be, right? Days do not get easier, we just get more numb.

Until then....

Sylas's biggest fan
Mommy

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the begining

Today I decided that in order to heal, I must write. I don't know how you ever prepare for a death let alone a child you are carrying. I wish I would have had more time with him. I wish I would have had more notice to be able to prepare. I wish I could have heard him cry. I have a ton of wishes and no magic Geni to grant them. In all of this, though my faith has been tested to the max, I still believe in a God who won't ever leave me and will heal my heart. That's the great thing about God, he always has a plan regardless.

We found out we were expecting on January 6, 2011 and buried our sweet baby on June 14,2011. There just wasn't enough time. When we did the Quad screen that most couples do to test for any genetic markers, we had no reason to doubt we would ever get a phone call. That call came days later. I remember that call like it was yesterday. The doctor told us we had 1 and 164 of a chance for a baby with down syndrome. I cried then and then started my prayer, "God heal our baby or prepare our hearts". One month later, we went in for a genetics appointment to find out that he had 2 markers for down syndrome. Again, we cried and prayed "God please heal our baby or prepare our hearts". I also found my saying, "His story is already written and though we don't know the book, we do know the author". W had no idea the odds were not in Sylas's favor. We had no reason to think anything other than he had Down Syndrome and that mattered none to us! He was our baby regardless!! The morning of June 8, 2011, driving to UAMS, I prayed the entire way, "You are the God who delivered Daniel from the mouth of lions, you can heal my son". When the cardiologist cried as she read over the report to us and told us what Sylas had would be fatal, we cried. I prayed again, "Lord prepare our hearts". I wanted so badly for God to heal my baby. Why couldn't he? He turned water into wine. This was nothing for him, right? I guess that's why I don't make decisions. God has a plan and it involves my angel being his angel until I get to heaven. They induced 24 hours later because I had toxemia and could no longer carry him without continuing to me sick myself. When we held our baby on Friday, no one could have prepared me for the broken heart I would have. I just wanted God to bring him back. Other moms where there having babies and I couldn't take mine home. How fair is that! Again I prayed, "God prepare my heart" and he still is.

In his death I pray, "God, if our faith can with stand this test. If we can continue praising you as the God of all things. You are the same God as when we went into the doctor, as we went out of the doctor with the news. If in all of this, if we can stand firm and never waiver and someone comes to know you because of this, my Sylas did not die in vain!

I have never known more love then I know now. Tim and I stand in awe how God has poured his blessings out on us as we grieve and mourn.

Until then...

Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy