Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mommy's brain is tried

Slow down brain, I can't keep up. The noise levels seem high today. We had to leave the pool early, because Axton has been acting out. A 2 hour nap seems to have worked just fine. I feel angry at myself. I feel like if Sylas were still here, Axton wouldn't be having such a hard time. Ike being gone for so long, is hard on Axton to take too. So many changes for his small world. As a mom, I feel responsible. I want to look at him and say, Mommy's brain is just tired. I am so Axton that all of this is happening to you too. If I could take this away, I would! 2 brother's gone within a week of each other, isn't fair! I just had to pray today that God would help me to stop being so "busy" to keep my mind off of things, that I would cherish the moments I have. I get so consumed with hiding my grief and laughing to help the pain that I am missing all the things going on around me. My mind wanders away most of the day. I have a hard time deciding what really happened during the day and what part was in my dreams. I try to fall asleep without the medication, but my mind never stops. I have regrets, fears, and a host of other things that take over. Tomorrow is 3 weeks since we had Sylas. It feels like it was yesterday. I miss him like it was yesterday. I do the fun things that we always do each summer, but I never fully enjoy them. I just feel, lost.

God, help me to be present. I feel lost and out of place. You know my heart and I so badly want to be here, yet I am with Sylas. I pray that you would send me peace. Calm my fears and my hurts. I can't make it without you. I give you the wheel. I need to be the passanger now. I have always wanted to be in control and always have life planned, but I can't do that anymore. I go where you go!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

day dreams

There are days where I feel like I am going through the motions. Today is one. I am here, but my mind is with him. Axton asked today if Sylas was still alive, would he sleep in his room? It got me thinking about why we had to talk about him in past tense? Not fair moment! I got these most wonderful bracelets yesterday with Sylas's name on them. They were given to me by favorite boss and money donated to the March of Dimes in Sylas's memory. It is a cherished possession. I did go off into dream land and wish that he was with me instead of his name on my wrist. He would have loved the 4th of July. It is mine and Axton's favorite holiday other than Christmas. Even if he would have been in the hospital, we could have taken him things to show him how wonderful it is. Laying at the pool reminds me of him. I wish I couldn't enjoy pool time, because he was hungry, sleepy, or it was to hot for him. Everything is a memory of me being pregnant or a memory I wanted to share with him. I had dreams for him and things I wanted to share with him. I pray God can show me to him and what kind of mommy I would have been to him. I pray he knows how much I wanted him and would have taken his broken heart for him! When I see babies I go away to my perfect land, where that baby is Sylas and he is still here with us. Reality sets in and I come back and remember he is just in my heart, not in my arms.

Days come and go, but God stays the same. I know he can't ever be with him on this earth again, so God send me peace. Help me to share his life and rejoice the 27 weeks I had with him. Heal the hurt. In the pain comes blessings, help me find the blessings daily.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Memories

Today I am in a different place. I have been having memories all day of the days leading up to Sylas's entry into this world. I remembered things like it had happened yesterday. I guess we can't forget the awful things forever. The doctor's appointment when they told us, his heart chambers were asymmetrical and he had dilated kidneys. I remember walking to the car and laying my head on Tim's chest, to fall to pieces. I am still laying my head on his chest. He is my rock! We had never expected that appointment to be anything but routine. Tim wasn't even supposed to be there with me. He had to work, but that day for some reason, he was off. I even told my mom on the way to the appointment that, God must have a reason to have Tim be there. Those words caught up to me later on. When they scheduled us to come back June 9th, we prayed for God's healing to be all over Sylas. I wanted that to be the case. I know God can heal. He is the same God who parted the Seas, don't I know he is the same God today! In all of this, I have known something wasn't right from the beginning. Of course it was "right", because God had a plan. I think mom's have a way of knowing things, other may not. I call it my "powers". I know that God had prepared me. June 9th, was an even harder appointment. I prayed all the way to UAMS. Tim knew from watching the ultrasound that something was very wrong. He tried to tell me that when we had to switch rooms, but I don't him not to worry. Then the cardiologist confirmed exactly what Tim had told me. Sylas's heart chambers were there, but he had one huge chamber and 3 little chambers. The fluid was everywhere. His mitrial valve didn't work and he also had a missing valve. I asked if he would survive outside the womb. She cried when she said, she didn't see him surviving much longer and he wouldn't be able to live outside the womb. How awful is that news? That wasn't anything like what we expected. I just wanted them to tell me he had down syndrome and send us home. It was a nightmare and time seriously stood still. A high risk doctor came in later and told us when he stopped moving to call my OB. She gave us less then 4 weeks for him to survive. Those words still haunt me! Each move I felt, could be his last. I still to this day can't wrap my head around that. Was he in pain? Was he suffering? No one could tell us that. It crushed me. Knowing that his time was cut short and at any moment, his time would come. I don't know when I will ever process all of that and the emotions it comes with. I just wanted it to be a dream and for me to be able to wake up!

He also prepared my marriage. Tim is the love of my life and has been for the past 8 years. We have had some major ups and downs, but this one takes the cake. From day one of us dating, many people had thoughts and opinions. I am sure we out lived people's "bets" on our longevity years ago. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him, he was it! Our marriage has been tested other times, but nothing like the loss of our child. We are closer now than we have ever been. I have watched him as a father and a husband, in way I never imagined. To busy maybe to notice? Probably. Never the less, I am in awe now. The nights we slept together in the hospital bed made for none. The nights, I sit up and watch him dream. I just need to hear him breath. I know that my life is what I want it to be, because of him. God knew I would rely on him and he would rely on me. He has been preparing us for 8 years. He knew that June 10,2011 would be a struggle for us individually, so he gave us a soul mate and we have never been alone. We talk about Sylas as if he were with us now. We lay in bed and cry when the night quiet creeps in. We laugh at each other and we still flirt, because we need that! My love for him strengthens daily. We both mourn the loss differently. I am very talkative about my grief, he is a little more inward. God will continue to prepare us together for what our future holds.

God keep preparing us. We are your clay, mold us. Help us to be the parents to our boys that you would have us be. As each day brings new emotions and situations, hold our hand. Th healing comes in the pain. Heal our hearts and our spirits. Hold my baby God, until I can hold him!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Monday, June 27, 2011

Axton Day

I have moments in the day when I find the new normal. There are other moments when sadness over takes me. Axton and I went to see Cars 2 today. I love time with him. He is one of the key people in my healing. He and I have always had a special bond. He is more like me then I like to admit. Sassy and all. During the movie he leaned over and laid his head on me. It was one of those moments, where time stood still. I wanted the world to stop and to stay just like that forever. He isn't a hugging child, but I am not a hugging grown up. When he has moments like that, I cherish them forever. He doesn't understand his brothers loss. He wasn't exactly "real" to him yet. He is very black and white and since he didn't see him after his birth, he isn't sure he truly existed. I hate that for him. I wanted him to bond with his sweet baby brother. For the two of them to have the bond that Ike and Axton have. He was excited to feed Sylas and to hold him. I wanted that so badly for him. I talk to him about Sylas as much as he will let me and as much as he can understand. I want him to always know he has an angel in heaven watching over him and he can all him Brother!

I just miss him. I miss his movements. I miss knowing that he is right with me all the time. I wanted those moments I had planned for him. I am still not prepared for the new emotions I have everyday. Some days I feel ok, other days I want to scream and cry because I feel so alone in my mourning. I am pretty sure all of that is normal. If it isn't, that wouldn't shock me either =) I know I am healing. I know he is with me, but it doesn't make him physically with me.

God, carry me. I can't seem to do it myself right now. I need you now more than ever. Though Sylas isn't here in my arms, he is in yours. I rest in that. I thank you that I always feel you with me. I can't imagine going through this without you.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, June 26, 2011

traffic jam

And today it came..The let down. In the middle of church, I realized it. We're alone. Not in the sense of not having the greatest friends and family surrounding us, but the fact that not everyone understands the hurt and anguish we have inside. I don't blame anyone for that. No one needs that feeling. I feel like a rubbernecker holding up traffic for a stalled car. I am just sitting still while the world needs around me. In my 'healing humor", I named it...I had a moment. Someone said, I am so sorry for your loss. After they walked away, I looked at Tim and said, I didn't loose anything, did you? I know that person meant the sweetest and most wonderful thing, but it's true. I didn't loose anything. I know exactly who drove Sylas away from the hospital and I know exactly where he is today. We placed his sweet casket in the ground in a cemetery with my family. I don't have him with me, but he isn't lost. He is right where God wanted him, heaven. I don't understand that and probably never will. I have moments where I have to say, "Seriously God, there was no other way in your master plan". "None"????? In my catch phrase I use daily, "It just sucks". No other way to put it. I think God knows my heart. I am not angry, I just have questions.

Baby showers are coming up. I have been told it's ok not to go, but why wouldn't I? It's not these sweet girls fault my baby isn't with me. They have an exciting time ahead of them. I want to celebrate life! I still celebrate the life Sylas could have had. I will buy a gift and I will eat their cake =) I just don't want to be the silent whisper in the corner, you know "She just buried her son". I want people to know even in in the circumstances, it's ok to treat me like normal. No tiptoeing. I like talking about Sylas. It makes him close to me and keeps his memory alive. Don't stop celebrating babies. I love babies! If I get overwhelmed or upset, not many people would ever see it. I deal alone and keep moving. I dread the 5 week check up more then a baby shower. He will have Sylas's pathology report. That's the day I pray for right now. God, prepare me fully for that day. I haven't been there since he induction day and we all know how that turned out. I also know he will give us our medical odds for the future. I didn't know we would ever face that. Medical professionals telling you what the future of babies look like for you. That should just be a part of life, remember Adam and Eve?? They didn't help birth not to hurt, but they had babies no problem. I thought that would be us. I never thought medical science would have to tell me otherwise.

God today is hard. I just don't feel it today. I feel as though the world is moving and I am standing still. The whole traffic jam because of a rubbernecker comes to mind. I need you. I don't want to be stuck, but I also don't want to loose him with me. I need a balance of life. In the middle of this storm, calm the seas. You can command the wind and the waves to stop. Throw me a life jacket today.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, June 25, 2011

seeing Sylas

I actually did the things I had on m to do list yesterday. Now, I did forget certain items that I will have to go back for. But, half a list is better than none, right? Axton earned money yesterday for cleaning his room on his own without being told or having a meltdown. An amazing thing around here. He asked to buy a Wrestler, but he only earned 5 dollars =) In his most curious voice, he reminded me that Walmart commercial say, Everyday low prices, so in that scenario, he should be able to afford one. His logic and humor help me get through each day. There is never a dull moment in our house. We did show him a picture of Sylas last night. It was black and white and he just looks asleep. His only question, why didn't I let him see him when we was born? Can you say mommy guilt?? I tried to explain that he was sick, we weren't sure how he would feel to see him. Of course that didn't go over well. He informed me, he was afraid of clowns not babies. The mommy job is hard. We make decisions based on what we think our children can do and can handle. I will always have a piece of regret for not letting them see Sylas, but that choice is what we made in a "we are the parents and we do what's best" situation. It was such an emotional time that no one could prepare you for. A 6 year old with Asperger's and an 11 year old who is leaving in a few days for summer visittion to his moms, not the ideal setting for holding their brother who was already an angel. Neither of them are what would call ready or the hard parts of life just yet.

I am sure this is one of those moments, when though I don't want to admit it, it's just like God our father and what he does for us. He chooses what we can and can not do based on our ability. He apparently sees strength in me to handle this loss, even though I didn't know it existed. Being a parent is a hard job. I can't imagine God's job.

Thank you God for our children. For their questions, concerns, personalities.Thank you for taking care of us just like we take care of them. You make promises and you keep them. You never leave us and just like when they don't understand what we do or why we do it, there is always a reason. God, there is a reason you have Sylas and we don't. Hard to swallow, but you are not a mean God. In time God I pray, help me to see a blessing in the pain. I keep you at your wordand you said, You would never leave me, nor forsake me. I hold you at that!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, June 24, 2011

a new normal?

Today's agenda, grocery shop, vacuum, and remember today 2 weeks ago my angel was given his wings. Happy Birthday my angel! I still miss you like it happened today! I have been avoiding the others. I loved going to Wal-Mart before loosing Sylas and now I hate it with a passion. The lines move to slow and I have time to think, the isles are to small and I seem to have a panic attack each time I am there. None of these things were an issue before. I had a hard time vacuuming while I was pregnant because of my swelling. So, now it just reminds me of before. After I said, I am going to have to find normalcy even though I want things the way they used to be, someone said, I am just finding a new normal. Such a powerful statement. I never wanted a "new normal". I never dreamed this would be my life. I expected to be a new mom in September and there was nothing anyone could have done to tell me otherwise. Well, until April. I still struggle with the fairness of all of this. I dream of him. I dream of him growing up and being a mama's boy just like his brother. The dreams seem so real,until I wake up and look for him and then I grieve all over again.

I am almost at pre-pregancy weight. I only gained 6 pounds, but I was only 27 weeks along. In the last few weeks I had so much fluid, that added up too. So, why am I so sad about fitting into my clothes again? Why am I so sad because my stomach doesn't say, baby on board? Because, I am loosing those memories of him. I feel guilty because I complained about the swelling. I thought it was just a summer time thing. I had no idea I was swelling because he was so sick. I would take back each complaint, each whine, each sleepless night, to have one moment with Sylas! I would gladly snore all night because I couldn't breath. I just want to be in the "old normal". You know the one where I have a baby in my stomach and plans to be hatched.

Someone said to me yesterday, that they couldn't believe we would ever consider having another baby one day. I think my shocked face was enough for them to give a reason. Because they didn't think it was fair to my parents. Now mom and dad if you are reading this, know that I love you more than life...But, we don't have babies for anyone other than Tim and I. ;) Of course, I wanted to say to this person, Do you know what we are facing? You don't know our grief! How are we supposed to say we won't ever have another baby? I wasn't under the impression that we got those choices. God will prepare our hearts in time for the entrance of Sylas's baby brother or sister or God will prepare us for great things that don't involve more babies. Just for future reference, I wouldn't say those things to a grieving parent..ever! And, I also know that my parents are grieving this loss too. They haven't left our side. They were with us from induction to delivery. I can't imagine the loss for grandparents, who just like us, had plans for Sylas. My parents are my rock! I know that without them, I couldn't have made it to the 2 week mark today.

God, as you prepare my heart for the future, you know the future I can't see beyond my grief, help me to feel you near to me. I would be holding my baby tight to my chest, God hold me tight to yours. You promised, you would never leave me, nor forsake me. I take you at your word. Hold Sylas close to my heart always. I need to feel him!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Talking...

No medication today and I managed the entire day. I take that as a small victory in the battle of my sanity. I won't take it as a set back, if tomorrow doesn't go as well and I need it. I find myself longing for Sylas during the day lately. I miss those moments I could be having right now. Bath time, bed time, feeding, the smell of a new baby. You know all the fun things of mommyhood. I don't know if those longings ever go away, since I am so new to this grief and loss thing. Axton seems to be struggling lately. With Asperger's for him and OCD for me, our life is very structured. Neither of us do good with craziness or being off schedule. Right now, we have zero schedule and are good to be in bed before midnight. My task right now is to find a way to find normalcy in the madness. He did ask last night why he couldn't see a picture of Sylas. We have one picture that if we can photo shop just a little, he could see it. We just told him we would show it to him soon. He said "If you won't show me, Jesus will". I guess he knows where our help comes from too.

I told Sylas's story today at a bereavement training class. I don't know if it helped the nurses who were training to help people like us, but I know that me talking about him, helps me. I am pretty sure, God is on to that. The more I talk about Sylas, the closer he is to me. People seem taken back with how open I am about our loss. I would have thought with my insane personality, nothing would shock people. He isn't fully gone if he is always talked about. I also feel like the healing comes in the pain. The nurses and staff at St. Vincents are family to us. They have left an imprint on our hearts. In a time of loss and grieving, we had no idea what kind of impact strangers would have on our lives.

God, if I learn anything from Sylas's death, let one thing be for me to always draw closer to you. As the song says, The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you. I find you daily, in the most random places. Places that have always been, but I have been so busy, I haven't paid attention. You have my attention now God. Fully!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

move over world

Home after a few days of a get away with my family and then for our church camp. I think I thought the pain would be masked in the middle of it all....Wrong! In the madness of life, I find myself missing my sweet baby more. My heart aches, my mind is not at rest, and some days I feel so numb. I will miss him everyday and in every way. The world keeps moving and so do I, but not the way I used to. I feel like I have lost part of me in Sylas's death. No on can prepare you for that feeling. I laugh, but today I felt how forced it was. That's not me at all. I have all the jokes and laugh at myself when no one else does. We dropped off Ike for summer with his mom, Tim had to go back to work, and Axton doesn't want to be at home. To many changes for me. feel out of control and can't seem to regain it. Maybe I am not supposed to. I also have had to talk to God about why people who do bad things, get to carry their child all the way and keep them. It doesn't seem fair at all. God is still preparing me.

I told someone this week, that I feel people either avoid the subject or avoid me, because maybe they don't know what to say. I also feel like people try and give me their own problems, that right now I find so trivial. I don't want to ever belittle someones problems, but if all you have going on is a leaky faucet....I wouldn't tell me right now =) People don't understand our loss and as much as they try, they can't understand our grief. The real world is calling..You know the one with babies, pregnant women, and happy people. I have a hard time wanting to join in that world right now. Not that I don't have a million things to be happy about and I am, but the others I could live without right now. I have this feeling people think we should move on, but how do you do that? The pain is just so real and we only buried our baby 1 week ago. I think it's like a scar, you heal in time, but always have a reminder of what happened. My heart is permanently scared.

I also heard this week that, when we give our lives to Christ, we have no idea of the commitment we are giving. We have no idea what God will ask of us and how our faith will be tested. If we did can you imagine how many people would choose not to serve? It's going in blind faith and 100 percent trust. So, God know my heart and right now it aches so bad I feel each beat, but God I will serve you no matter the circumstance. It makes the aching no less, but I do know that you are in charge and I take refuge in that.

I just miss him so much. The pain is that real.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Birthday

Today I medicated like I was supposed to, actually slept without trying out the chairs in the house, managed to remember some sort of lunch for the boys, and got out the door to go to the movies with my mom and aunt. The boys need the normalcy. I think I don't, but I know I do. In the middle of the movie, it hit me. When people use the expression, Like a ton of bricks, I now know what they mean. Today, one week ago we had Sylas. I apparently thought today was Thursday until 2 o'clock. My heart sank when the day came to me. All the flood of emotions came over me. I kept thinking I should be holding him, hearing him cry, feeding him, loosing even more sleep then I am now. Instead, I am barley hanging on. Daily task are a blur, the days run together, my children eat whatever they want, laundry gets folded when I remember I put it in the dryer...Oh how I miss my baby. My heart is heavy, my faith has been tested, and yet I am not alone. He was perfect at birth. Swelling and all. God could have given him to us with all of that swelling and we would have taken him home to be the love of our lives. No one knew just how sick he was until he was born. He was still my perfect angel. I cried that day for the life we lost and he could have had. For the brother's who wouldn't be able to show him what brotherly love is all about. I still cry for Tim and I. There will always be one empty seat at our table and an empty spot in our hearts. It may get more distant with time, but he won't ever be forgotten!

Where is the fairness in all of this? I had plans for Sylas. Halloween costumes, day after Thanksgiving shopping, Christmas presents, and a birthday party to plan!! I had pictures I needed to take, kisses I needed to give, booboo's to fix. I don't get those chances anymore. God, if you know anything about me and you know my heart. I rarely get angry and I try to always have a smile. Today, I am forcing it. I bought a cell phone for one son and a video game I swore was to expensive and I would never buy for the other. Today, I realized life is that short and money means nothing if I don't have my boys. Tim is the normal sucker...=) I wanted to throw another fit today in the lobby of the movie theater. I chose to skip it and ate a box of milk duds instead. I skip most meals anyway, so this will make it better for the time being.

I don't want to feel so heavy anymore. I want this to be a dream. I want to be celebrating today, instead I am mourning on the inside! God hold my heart as you hold my hand. Give me the strength to keep going and to not let go. Though they slay me, in you will I trust! Help me to feel your presence even when I can't see you. And today God, while there is no week old birthday party me and MichaelShell can throw, because she would, throw a birthday party for Sylas with our grandparents who are already there! You said you would give us the desires of our heart and know mine today, it involves a party for a perfectly healthy baby Sylas!! Happy birthday my sweet angel baby. I love you to the moon and back!

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, June 16, 2011

the world doesn't stop..

I am not sure I am ready for the outside world just yet or better yet the world may not be ready for me! I just want to sit on the floor and scream, "Don't you know my heart is broken"? "Don't you know I lost my baby?" Of course the world won't stop because I am grieving. I just want it to. Today is one week since I went into the hospital to be induced. I keep hoping it's a dream. That night was so awful. I had to tell the boys before we left that we would go to the hospital, but baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us. They didn't understand. Ike wanted to know why we couldn't fix his heart. Axton wanted to know if we could have a sister next time. I guess that is expected from a 6 year old with Asperger's. Mom drove me to the hospital and I needed that time with her. She has never left me in this entire process, even now. I need her more than she knows. I told her that day, I want so badly for a miracle to happen, but I knew as many mommy's do the truth. The miracle wasn't in saving Sylas, the miracle would be somewhere else.We couldn't sleep that night. No one could. How could we? We knew the outcome of this whole induction. Birth and leave Sylas behind. What a cruel world, I thought that a million times! God sent me angels in form of nurses who never left me and grieved along with me. Even in the middle of our own personal hell, God took care of me and sent me Christy and Queena. I can't tell you how much it meant to me.





Today someone said without knowing what it would do to me, "You don't look like you just had a baby". I wanted to say, "But, I did just have a baby. Don't you know that??" I told Tim today it's a catch 22. It's hard to have the reminders and no Sylas, but it's also hard to be loosing those memories of pregnancy so fast. I just want the world to stop!





When we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't for the life of us come up with a name. We have Axton, who's name is so unique, we couldn't go with some ordinary name. We just called him, the baby who shall remain nameless or Tick Tackett =) When the day came and I found Sylas, I told Tim and we said "That's it"! As I read about Paul and Silas, I was reassured that we picked the right name. Even in the middle of prison and being chained up, they sang and praised God. Never loosing heart. That is what my Sylas did. Even in a real life struggle, he fought and we praised God for the gift! I guess that's the hard part about life. We so badly want God to fix it and make it all better and when he doesn't, we just stop praying and praising him. It's like "I want this gift and if you don't give it to me, I won't speak to you again". What kind of love is that? One sided? I don't want to show one sided love to God. Even though my angel isn't here, God didn't stop loving me and he isn't mad at me. I can ask him questions. Our own children question us, it's no different for us to question God. He knows my heart and knows it's breaking and and I don't understand his plan! He still loves me and will bring me peace in the pain.





I sleep little, because when I sleep I see my baby. The pain is so real at night. The quite from the madness of the day is deafening. The boys go to bed and Tim tries to sleep. I just walk the house. I find myself humming now. It seems to bring me peace. Today the song was, It is well within my soul. As the days drag on, I have no idea what day it is. All I know is that, It is well within my soul.





Until then...





Sylas's biggest fan


Mommy

more of the story

Today we will go and have a plate with Sylas feet prints, birth date, and weight, fired at a pottery place. It was donated in love from Axton's 1st real school. These are memories that will last Tim and I a lifetime. Thank you Allen School! Tim also went back to work today. I felt a panic when I heard the door shut. He is my rock and when he is even in the next room, my heart feels it. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and father. We will get by today. I can see two empty cell phone battery's in our future. Thank you Lord for unlimited minutes!

Yesterday, in everything I forgot to say how big my angel was and what time he was born. Mommy moment I guess. I was 27 weeks and he weighed 4 lbs. 9 oz, was 15 inches long, and was born at 9:38 pm on June 10, 2011. Very similar to his brother who was at 37 weeks, 7 lbs. 9 oz, 19 1/2 inches long, and was born at 9:22 pm. Even their birthing situation was similar. An induction for medical reasons for me. I also forgot to tell you, that in all indications, he did have down syndrome and something called hydrops(edema). His heart chambers were fluid filled and he mitrial valve did not function. He did not have a heart that could live in the outside world. Lots of other places on his sweet body had so much fluid and he couldn't pump it off. My doctor thinks, that I took on some of his fluid in the end. That would explain my giant hippo feet, I am still on medication to relieve.

I told my sister and Tim yesterday, that as I grieve and mourn, I had to question God and ask, "Is this it God? Are there no more babies for us? Will I never know what it is like to be a new mom again? Is his how it ends for us? God, if this is the case, prepare my heart for that to come". I won't ever replace my perfect angel EVER. I think that when the pathology report comes back and gives us the exact markers and our risk for a future pregnancy, God will prepare me if sweet Sylas was the grand finale of gifts! And if that is the case, what greater present than that of one of God's chosen angels!! I feel honored that he chose us. It makes the pain no less though. I still can't sleep and when I do I dream that this is all a dream and Sylas is right next to me in his bassinet. The way it should be, right? Days do not get easier, we just get more numb.

Until then....

Sylas's biggest fan
Mommy

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the begining

Today I decided that in order to heal, I must write. I don't know how you ever prepare for a death let alone a child you are carrying. I wish I would have had more time with him. I wish I would have had more notice to be able to prepare. I wish I could have heard him cry. I have a ton of wishes and no magic Geni to grant them. In all of this, though my faith has been tested to the max, I still believe in a God who won't ever leave me and will heal my heart. That's the great thing about God, he always has a plan regardless.

We found out we were expecting on January 6, 2011 and buried our sweet baby on June 14,2011. There just wasn't enough time. When we did the Quad screen that most couples do to test for any genetic markers, we had no reason to doubt we would ever get a phone call. That call came days later. I remember that call like it was yesterday. The doctor told us we had 1 and 164 of a chance for a baby with down syndrome. I cried then and then started my prayer, "God heal our baby or prepare our hearts". One month later, we went in for a genetics appointment to find out that he had 2 markers for down syndrome. Again, we cried and prayed "God please heal our baby or prepare our hearts". I also found my saying, "His story is already written and though we don't know the book, we do know the author". W had no idea the odds were not in Sylas's favor. We had no reason to think anything other than he had Down Syndrome and that mattered none to us! He was our baby regardless!! The morning of June 8, 2011, driving to UAMS, I prayed the entire way, "You are the God who delivered Daniel from the mouth of lions, you can heal my son". When the cardiologist cried as she read over the report to us and told us what Sylas had would be fatal, we cried. I prayed again, "Lord prepare our hearts". I wanted so badly for God to heal my baby. Why couldn't he? He turned water into wine. This was nothing for him, right? I guess that's why I don't make decisions. God has a plan and it involves my angel being his angel until I get to heaven. They induced 24 hours later because I had toxemia and could no longer carry him without continuing to me sick myself. When we held our baby on Friday, no one could have prepared me for the broken heart I would have. I just wanted God to bring him back. Other moms where there having babies and I couldn't take mine home. How fair is that! Again I prayed, "God prepare my heart" and he still is.

In his death I pray, "God, if our faith can with stand this test. If we can continue praising you as the God of all things. You are the same God as when we went into the doctor, as we went out of the doctor with the news. If in all of this, if we can stand firm and never waiver and someone comes to know you because of this, my Sylas did not die in vain!

I have never known more love then I know now. Tim and I stand in awe how God has poured his blessings out on us as we grieve and mourn.

Until then...

Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy