Monday, June 27, 2011

Axton Day

I have moments in the day when I find the new normal. There are other moments when sadness over takes me. Axton and I went to see Cars 2 today. I love time with him. He is one of the key people in my healing. He and I have always had a special bond. He is more like me then I like to admit. Sassy and all. During the movie he leaned over and laid his head on me. It was one of those moments, where time stood still. I wanted the world to stop and to stay just like that forever. He isn't a hugging child, but I am not a hugging grown up. When he has moments like that, I cherish them forever. He doesn't understand his brothers loss. He wasn't exactly "real" to him yet. He is very black and white and since he didn't see him after his birth, he isn't sure he truly existed. I hate that for him. I wanted him to bond with his sweet baby brother. For the two of them to have the bond that Ike and Axton have. He was excited to feed Sylas and to hold him. I wanted that so badly for him. I talk to him about Sylas as much as he will let me and as much as he can understand. I want him to always know he has an angel in heaven watching over him and he can all him Brother!

I just miss him. I miss his movements. I miss knowing that he is right with me all the time. I wanted those moments I had planned for him. I am still not prepared for the new emotions I have everyday. Some days I feel ok, other days I want to scream and cry because I feel so alone in my mourning. I am pretty sure all of that is normal. If it isn't, that wouldn't shock me either =) I know I am healing. I know he is with me, but it doesn't make him physically with me.

God, carry me. I can't seem to do it myself right now. I need you now more than ever. Though Sylas isn't here in my arms, he is in yours. I rest in that. I thank you that I always feel you with me. I can't imagine going through this without you.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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