Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the begining

Today I decided that in order to heal, I must write. I don't know how you ever prepare for a death let alone a child you are carrying. I wish I would have had more time with him. I wish I would have had more notice to be able to prepare. I wish I could have heard him cry. I have a ton of wishes and no magic Geni to grant them. In all of this, though my faith has been tested to the max, I still believe in a God who won't ever leave me and will heal my heart. That's the great thing about God, he always has a plan regardless.

We found out we were expecting on January 6, 2011 and buried our sweet baby on June 14,2011. There just wasn't enough time. When we did the Quad screen that most couples do to test for any genetic markers, we had no reason to doubt we would ever get a phone call. That call came days later. I remember that call like it was yesterday. The doctor told us we had 1 and 164 of a chance for a baby with down syndrome. I cried then and then started my prayer, "God heal our baby or prepare our hearts". One month later, we went in for a genetics appointment to find out that he had 2 markers for down syndrome. Again, we cried and prayed "God please heal our baby or prepare our hearts". I also found my saying, "His story is already written and though we don't know the book, we do know the author". W had no idea the odds were not in Sylas's favor. We had no reason to think anything other than he had Down Syndrome and that mattered none to us! He was our baby regardless!! The morning of June 8, 2011, driving to UAMS, I prayed the entire way, "You are the God who delivered Daniel from the mouth of lions, you can heal my son". When the cardiologist cried as she read over the report to us and told us what Sylas had would be fatal, we cried. I prayed again, "Lord prepare our hearts". I wanted so badly for God to heal my baby. Why couldn't he? He turned water into wine. This was nothing for him, right? I guess that's why I don't make decisions. God has a plan and it involves my angel being his angel until I get to heaven. They induced 24 hours later because I had toxemia and could no longer carry him without continuing to me sick myself. When we held our baby on Friday, no one could have prepared me for the broken heart I would have. I just wanted God to bring him back. Other moms where there having babies and I couldn't take mine home. How fair is that! Again I prayed, "God prepare my heart" and he still is.

In his death I pray, "God, if our faith can with stand this test. If we can continue praising you as the God of all things. You are the same God as when we went into the doctor, as we went out of the doctor with the news. If in all of this, if we can stand firm and never waiver and someone comes to know you because of this, my Sylas did not die in vain!

I have never known more love then I know now. Tim and I stand in awe how God has poured his blessings out on us as we grieve and mourn.

Until then...

Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

3 comments:

  1. Someone once shared this quote with me and I will share it with you. I hope that it helps you heal.

    "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. She whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for Earth"

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  2. My heart breaks for you, and I know your pain well.We have been though this with our son, Eli. It has been almost 5 years, and we are not healed. We are never healed, just adjusting better. You can add Sylas to the book at the Church of the Holy Innocents, where he will be prayed for an honored always. (Just google it).
    Your words sound so familiar to me, it just breaks me all over again. Know that if you ever need to vent, I am here...
    http://emcx3.blogspot.com/2010/09/learning-hard-way.html
    Strength & Love, Heidi

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  3. Thank you both for your sweet thoughts! Heather, love that! I needed that too! The loss is just so real. I pray for peace daily! Castro family, I am so sorry for your loss! I am praying for you!

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