Wednesday, June 29, 2011

day dreams

There are days where I feel like I am going through the motions. Today is one. I am here, but my mind is with him. Axton asked today if Sylas was still alive, would he sleep in his room? It got me thinking about why we had to talk about him in past tense? Not fair moment! I got these most wonderful bracelets yesterday with Sylas's name on them. They were given to me by favorite boss and money donated to the March of Dimes in Sylas's memory. It is a cherished possession. I did go off into dream land and wish that he was with me instead of his name on my wrist. He would have loved the 4th of July. It is mine and Axton's favorite holiday other than Christmas. Even if he would have been in the hospital, we could have taken him things to show him how wonderful it is. Laying at the pool reminds me of him. I wish I couldn't enjoy pool time, because he was hungry, sleepy, or it was to hot for him. Everything is a memory of me being pregnant or a memory I wanted to share with him. I had dreams for him and things I wanted to share with him. I pray God can show me to him and what kind of mommy I would have been to him. I pray he knows how much I wanted him and would have taken his broken heart for him! When I see babies I go away to my perfect land, where that baby is Sylas and he is still here with us. Reality sets in and I come back and remember he is just in my heart, not in my arms.

Days come and go, but God stays the same. I know he can't ever be with him on this earth again, so God send me peace. Help me to share his life and rejoice the 27 weeks I had with him. Heal the hurt. In the pain comes blessings, help me find the blessings daily.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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