Today I medicated like I was supposed to, actually slept without trying out the chairs in the house, managed to remember some sort of lunch for the boys, and got out the door to go to the movies with my mom and aunt. The boys need the normalcy. I think I don't, but I know I do. In the middle of the movie, it hit me. When people use the expression, Like a ton of bricks, I now know what they mean. Today, one week ago we had Sylas. I apparently thought today was Thursday until 2 o'clock. My heart sank when the day came to me. All the flood of emotions came over me. I kept thinking I should be holding him, hearing him cry, feeding him, loosing even more sleep then I am now. Instead, I am barley hanging on. Daily task are a blur, the days run together, my children eat whatever they want, laundry gets folded when I remember I put it in the dryer...Oh how I miss my baby. My heart is heavy, my faith has been tested, and yet I am not alone. He was perfect at birth. Swelling and all. God could have given him to us with all of that swelling and we would have taken him home to be the love of our lives. No one knew just how sick he was until he was born. He was still my perfect angel. I cried that day for the life we lost and he could have had. For the brother's who wouldn't be able to show him what brotherly love is all about. I still cry for Tim and I. There will always be one empty seat at our table and an empty spot in our hearts. It may get more distant with time, but he won't ever be forgotten!
Where is the fairness in all of this? I had plans for Sylas. Halloween costumes, day after Thanksgiving shopping, Christmas presents, and a birthday party to plan!! I had pictures I needed to take, kisses I needed to give, booboo's to fix. I don't get those chances anymore. God, if you know anything about me and you know my heart. I rarely get angry and I try to always have a smile. Today, I am forcing it. I bought a cell phone for one son and a video game I swore was to expensive and I would never buy for the other. Today, I realized life is that short and money means nothing if I don't have my boys. Tim is the normal sucker...=) I wanted to throw another fit today in the lobby of the movie theater. I chose to skip it and ate a box of milk duds instead. I skip most meals anyway, so this will make it better for the time being.
I don't want to feel so heavy anymore. I want this to be a dream. I want to be celebrating today, instead I am mourning on the inside! God hold my heart as you hold my hand. Give me the strength to keep going and to not let go. Though they slay me, in you will I trust! Help me to feel your presence even when I can't see you. And today God, while there is no week old birthday party me and MichaelShell can throw, because she would, throw a birthday party for Sylas with our grandparents who are already there! You said you would give us the desires of our heart and know mine today, it involves a party for a perfectly healthy baby Sylas!! Happy birthday my sweet angel baby. I love you to the moon and back!
Sylas's Greatest Fan