Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Memories

Today I am in a different place. I have been having memories all day of the days leading up to Sylas's entry into this world. I remembered things like it had happened yesterday. I guess we can't forget the awful things forever. The doctor's appointment when they told us, his heart chambers were asymmetrical and he had dilated kidneys. I remember walking to the car and laying my head on Tim's chest, to fall to pieces. I am still laying my head on his chest. He is my rock! We had never expected that appointment to be anything but routine. Tim wasn't even supposed to be there with me. He had to work, but that day for some reason, he was off. I even told my mom on the way to the appointment that, God must have a reason to have Tim be there. Those words caught up to me later on. When they scheduled us to come back June 9th, we prayed for God's healing to be all over Sylas. I wanted that to be the case. I know God can heal. He is the same God who parted the Seas, don't I know he is the same God today! In all of this, I have known something wasn't right from the beginning. Of course it was "right", because God had a plan. I think mom's have a way of knowing things, other may not. I call it my "powers". I know that God had prepared me. June 9th, was an even harder appointment. I prayed all the way to UAMS. Tim knew from watching the ultrasound that something was very wrong. He tried to tell me that when we had to switch rooms, but I don't him not to worry. Then the cardiologist confirmed exactly what Tim had told me. Sylas's heart chambers were there, but he had one huge chamber and 3 little chambers. The fluid was everywhere. His mitrial valve didn't work and he also had a missing valve. I asked if he would survive outside the womb. She cried when she said, she didn't see him surviving much longer and he wouldn't be able to live outside the womb. How awful is that news? That wasn't anything like what we expected. I just wanted them to tell me he had down syndrome and send us home. It was a nightmare and time seriously stood still. A high risk doctor came in later and told us when he stopped moving to call my OB. She gave us less then 4 weeks for him to survive. Those words still haunt me! Each move I felt, could be his last. I still to this day can't wrap my head around that. Was he in pain? Was he suffering? No one could tell us that. It crushed me. Knowing that his time was cut short and at any moment, his time would come. I don't know when I will ever process all of that and the emotions it comes with. I just wanted it to be a dream and for me to be able to wake up!

He also prepared my marriage. Tim is the love of my life and has been for the past 8 years. We have had some major ups and downs, but this one takes the cake. From day one of us dating, many people had thoughts and opinions. I am sure we out lived people's "bets" on our longevity years ago. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him, he was it! Our marriage has been tested other times, but nothing like the loss of our child. We are closer now than we have ever been. I have watched him as a father and a husband, in way I never imagined. To busy maybe to notice? Probably. Never the less, I am in awe now. The nights we slept together in the hospital bed made for none. The nights, I sit up and watch him dream. I just need to hear him breath. I know that my life is what I want it to be, because of him. God knew I would rely on him and he would rely on me. He has been preparing us for 8 years. He knew that June 10,2011 would be a struggle for us individually, so he gave us a soul mate and we have never been alone. We talk about Sylas as if he were with us now. We lay in bed and cry when the night quiet creeps in. We laugh at each other and we still flirt, because we need that! My love for him strengthens daily. We both mourn the loss differently. I am very talkative about my grief, he is a little more inward. God will continue to prepare us together for what our future holds.

God keep preparing us. We are your clay, mold us. Help us to be the parents to our boys that you would have us be. As each day brings new emotions and situations, hold our hand. Th healing comes in the pain. Heal our hearts and our spirits. Hold my baby God, until I can hold him!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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