Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mommy's brain is tried

Slow down brain, I can't keep up. The noise levels seem high today. We had to leave the pool early, because Axton has been acting out. A 2 hour nap seems to have worked just fine. I feel angry at myself. I feel like if Sylas were still here, Axton wouldn't be having such a hard time. Ike being gone for so long, is hard on Axton to take too. So many changes for his small world. As a mom, I feel responsible. I want to look at him and say, Mommy's brain is just tired. I am so Axton that all of this is happening to you too. If I could take this away, I would! 2 brother's gone within a week of each other, isn't fair! I just had to pray today that God would help me to stop being so "busy" to keep my mind off of things, that I would cherish the moments I have. I get so consumed with hiding my grief and laughing to help the pain that I am missing all the things going on around me. My mind wanders away most of the day. I have a hard time deciding what really happened during the day and what part was in my dreams. I try to fall asleep without the medication, but my mind never stops. I have regrets, fears, and a host of other things that take over. Tomorrow is 3 weeks since we had Sylas. It feels like it was yesterday. I miss him like it was yesterday. I do the fun things that we always do each summer, but I never fully enjoy them. I just feel, lost.

God, help me to be present. I feel lost and out of place. You know my heart and I so badly want to be here, yet I am with Sylas. I pray that you would send me peace. Calm my fears and my hurts. I can't make it without you. I give you the wheel. I need to be the passanger now. I have always wanted to be in control and always have life planned, but I can't do that anymore. I go where you go!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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