Thursday, June 16, 2011

more of the story

Today we will go and have a plate with Sylas feet prints, birth date, and weight, fired at a pottery place. It was donated in love from Axton's 1st real school. These are memories that will last Tim and I a lifetime. Thank you Allen School! Tim also went back to work today. I felt a panic when I heard the door shut. He is my rock and when he is even in the next room, my heart feels it. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and father. We will get by today. I can see two empty cell phone battery's in our future. Thank you Lord for unlimited minutes!

Yesterday, in everything I forgot to say how big my angel was and what time he was born. Mommy moment I guess. I was 27 weeks and he weighed 4 lbs. 9 oz, was 15 inches long, and was born at 9:38 pm on June 10, 2011. Very similar to his brother who was at 37 weeks, 7 lbs. 9 oz, 19 1/2 inches long, and was born at 9:22 pm. Even their birthing situation was similar. An induction for medical reasons for me. I also forgot to tell you, that in all indications, he did have down syndrome and something called hydrops(edema). His heart chambers were fluid filled and he mitrial valve did not function. He did not have a heart that could live in the outside world. Lots of other places on his sweet body had so much fluid and he couldn't pump it off. My doctor thinks, that I took on some of his fluid in the end. That would explain my giant hippo feet, I am still on medication to relieve.

I told my sister and Tim yesterday, that as I grieve and mourn, I had to question God and ask, "Is this it God? Are there no more babies for us? Will I never know what it is like to be a new mom again? Is his how it ends for us? God, if this is the case, prepare my heart for that to come". I won't ever replace my perfect angel EVER. I think that when the pathology report comes back and gives us the exact markers and our risk for a future pregnancy, God will prepare me if sweet Sylas was the grand finale of gifts! And if that is the case, what greater present than that of one of God's chosen angels!! I feel honored that he chose us. It makes the pain no less though. I still can't sleep and when I do I dream that this is all a dream and Sylas is right next to me in his bassinet. The way it should be, right? Days do not get easier, we just get more numb.

Until then....

Sylas's biggest fan
Mommy

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