Wednesday, June 22, 2011

move over world

Home after a few days of a get away with my family and then for our church camp. I think I thought the pain would be masked in the middle of it all....Wrong! In the madness of life, I find myself missing my sweet baby more. My heart aches, my mind is not at rest, and some days I feel so numb. I will miss him everyday and in every way. The world keeps moving and so do I, but not the way I used to. I feel like I have lost part of me in Sylas's death. No on can prepare you for that feeling. I laugh, but today I felt how forced it was. That's not me at all. I have all the jokes and laugh at myself when no one else does. We dropped off Ike for summer with his mom, Tim had to go back to work, and Axton doesn't want to be at home. To many changes for me. feel out of control and can't seem to regain it. Maybe I am not supposed to. I also have had to talk to God about why people who do bad things, get to carry their child all the way and keep them. It doesn't seem fair at all. God is still preparing me.

I told someone this week, that I feel people either avoid the subject or avoid me, because maybe they don't know what to say. I also feel like people try and give me their own problems, that right now I find so trivial. I don't want to ever belittle someones problems, but if all you have going on is a leaky faucet....I wouldn't tell me right now =) People don't understand our loss and as much as they try, they can't understand our grief. The real world is calling..You know the one with babies, pregnant women, and happy people. I have a hard time wanting to join in that world right now. Not that I don't have a million things to be happy about and I am, but the others I could live without right now. I have this feeling people think we should move on, but how do you do that? The pain is just so real and we only buried our baby 1 week ago. I think it's like a scar, you heal in time, but always have a reminder of what happened. My heart is permanently scared.

I also heard this week that, when we give our lives to Christ, we have no idea of the commitment we are giving. We have no idea what God will ask of us and how our faith will be tested. If we did can you imagine how many people would choose not to serve? It's going in blind faith and 100 percent trust. So, God know my heart and right now it aches so bad I feel each beat, but God I will serve you no matter the circumstance. It makes the aching no less, but I do know that you are in charge and I take refuge in that.

I just miss him so much. The pain is that real.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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