Today's agenda, grocery shop, vacuum, and remember today 2 weeks ago my angel was given his wings. Happy Birthday my angel! I still miss you like it happened today! I have been avoiding the others. I loved going to Wal-Mart before loosing Sylas and now I hate it with a passion. The lines move to slow and I have time to think, the isles are to small and I seem to have a panic attack each time I am there. None of these things were an issue before. I had a hard time vacuuming while I was pregnant because of my swelling. So, now it just reminds me of before. After I said, I am going to have to find normalcy even though I want things the way they used to be, someone said, I am just finding a new normal. Such a powerful statement. I never wanted a "new normal". I never dreamed this would be my life. I expected to be a new mom in September and there was nothing anyone could have done to tell me otherwise. Well, until April. I still struggle with the fairness of all of this. I dream of him. I dream of him growing up and being a mama's boy just like his brother. The dreams seem so real,until I wake up and look for him and then I grieve all over again.
I am almost at pre-pregancy weight. I only gained 6 pounds, but I was only 27 weeks along. In the last few weeks I had so much fluid, that added up too. So, why am I so sad about fitting into my clothes again? Why am I so sad because my stomach doesn't say, baby on board? Because, I am loosing those memories of him. I feel guilty because I complained about the swelling. I thought it was just a summer time thing. I had no idea I was swelling because he was so sick. I would take back each complaint, each whine, each sleepless night, to have one moment with Sylas! I would gladly snore all night because I couldn't breath. I just want to be in the "old normal". You know the one where I have a baby in my stomach and plans to be hatched.
Someone said to me yesterday, that they couldn't believe we would ever consider having another baby one day. I think my shocked face was enough for them to give a reason. Because they didn't think it was fair to my parents. Now mom and dad if you are reading this, know that I love you more than life...But, we don't have babies for anyone other than Tim and I. ;) Of course, I wanted to say to this person, Do you know what we are facing? You don't know our grief! How are we supposed to say we won't ever have another baby? I wasn't under the impression that we got those choices. God will prepare our hearts in time for the entrance of Sylas's baby brother or sister or God will prepare us for great things that don't involve more babies. Just for future reference, I wouldn't say those things to a grieving parent..ever! And, I also know that my parents are grieving this loss too. They haven't left our side. They were with us from induction to delivery. I can't imagine the loss for grandparents, who just like us, had plans for Sylas. My parents are my rock! I know that without them, I couldn't have made it to the 2 week mark today.
God, as you prepare my heart for the future, you know the future I can't see beyond my grief, help me to feel you near to me. I would be holding my baby tight to my chest, God hold me tight to yours. You promised, you would never leave me, nor forsake me. I take you at your word. Hold Sylas close to my heart always. I need to feel him!
Sylas's Greatest Fan