Saturday, June 25, 2011

seeing Sylas

I actually did the things I had on m to do list yesterday. Now, I did forget certain items that I will have to go back for. But, half a list is better than none, right? Axton earned money yesterday for cleaning his room on his own without being told or having a meltdown. An amazing thing around here. He asked to buy a Wrestler, but he only earned 5 dollars =) In his most curious voice, he reminded me that Walmart commercial say, Everyday low prices, so in that scenario, he should be able to afford one. His logic and humor help me get through each day. There is never a dull moment in our house. We did show him a picture of Sylas last night. It was black and white and he just looks asleep. His only question, why didn't I let him see him when we was born? Can you say mommy guilt?? I tried to explain that he was sick, we weren't sure how he would feel to see him. Of course that didn't go over well. He informed me, he was afraid of clowns not babies. The mommy job is hard. We make decisions based on what we think our children can do and can handle. I will always have a piece of regret for not letting them see Sylas, but that choice is what we made in a "we are the parents and we do what's best" situation. It was such an emotional time that no one could prepare you for. A 6 year old with Asperger's and an 11 year old who is leaving in a few days for summer visittion to his moms, not the ideal setting for holding their brother who was already an angel. Neither of them are what would call ready or the hard parts of life just yet.

I am sure this is one of those moments, when though I don't want to admit it, it's just like God our father and what he does for us. He chooses what we can and can not do based on our ability. He apparently sees strength in me to handle this loss, even though I didn't know it existed. Being a parent is a hard job. I can't imagine God's job.

Thank you God for our children. For their questions, concerns, personalities.Thank you for taking care of us just like we take care of them. You make promises and you keep them. You never leave us and just like when they don't understand what we do or why we do it, there is always a reason. God, there is a reason you have Sylas and we don't. Hard to swallow, but you are not a mean God. In time God I pray, help me to see a blessing in the pain. I keep you at your wordand you said, You would never leave me, nor forsake me. I hold you at that!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

2 comments:

  1. You are facing all sorts of challenges all at the same time, aren't you? While I'm sure it doesn't seem so to you ... you are tackling this journey with admirable strength and grace! And you WILL get through to the other side!

    Praying Jesus will fill the empty spaces. For ALL of you!

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  2. Some days I honestly feel the hits keep on coming. I don't know how to keep going, yet I manage to sqeak another day by. What a harsh reality, when before I got through everyday, mostly untouched. If that makes sense? Thank you for you thoughts and prayers! We need them!

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