Sunday, June 26, 2011

traffic jam

And today it came..The let down. In the middle of church, I realized it. We're alone. Not in the sense of not having the greatest friends and family surrounding us, but the fact that not everyone understands the hurt and anguish we have inside. I don't blame anyone for that. No one needs that feeling. I feel like a rubbernecker holding up traffic for a stalled car. I am just sitting still while the world needs around me. In my 'healing humor", I named it...I had a moment. Someone said, I am so sorry for your loss. After they walked away, I looked at Tim and said, I didn't loose anything, did you? I know that person meant the sweetest and most wonderful thing, but it's true. I didn't loose anything. I know exactly who drove Sylas away from the hospital and I know exactly where he is today. We placed his sweet casket in the ground in a cemetery with my family. I don't have him with me, but he isn't lost. He is right where God wanted him, heaven. I don't understand that and probably never will. I have moments where I have to say, "Seriously God, there was no other way in your master plan". "None"????? In my catch phrase I use daily, "It just sucks". No other way to put it. I think God knows my heart. I am not angry, I just have questions.

Baby showers are coming up. I have been told it's ok not to go, but why wouldn't I? It's not these sweet girls fault my baby isn't with me. They have an exciting time ahead of them. I want to celebrate life! I still celebrate the life Sylas could have had. I will buy a gift and I will eat their cake =) I just don't want to be the silent whisper in the corner, you know "She just buried her son". I want people to know even in in the circumstances, it's ok to treat me like normal. No tiptoeing. I like talking about Sylas. It makes him close to me and keeps his memory alive. Don't stop celebrating babies. I love babies! If I get overwhelmed or upset, not many people would ever see it. I deal alone and keep moving. I dread the 5 week check up more then a baby shower. He will have Sylas's pathology report. That's the day I pray for right now. God, prepare me fully for that day. I haven't been there since he induction day and we all know how that turned out. I also know he will give us our medical odds for the future. I didn't know we would ever face that. Medical professionals telling you what the future of babies look like for you. That should just be a part of life, remember Adam and Eve?? They didn't help birth not to hurt, but they had babies no problem. I thought that would be us. I never thought medical science would have to tell me otherwise.

God today is hard. I just don't feel it today. I feel as though the world is moving and I am standing still. The whole traffic jam because of a rubbernecker comes to mind. I need you. I don't want to be stuck, but I also don't want to loose him with me. I need a balance of life. In the middle of this storm, calm the seas. You can command the wind and the waves to stop. Throw me a life jacket today.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

1 comment:

  1. I don't know what to say. I don't know how you are feeling. If you get mad at God remember he loves you and he can take it. Please know, sweet girl, that people are praying for you and your family. If you don't feel like praying, just know that our prayers are reaching heaven for you. Just "be" today.

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