Thursday, June 16, 2011

the world doesn't stop..

I am not sure I am ready for the outside world just yet or better yet the world may not be ready for me! I just want to sit on the floor and scream, "Don't you know my heart is broken"? "Don't you know I lost my baby?" Of course the world won't stop because I am grieving. I just want it to. Today is one week since I went into the hospital to be induced. I keep hoping it's a dream. That night was so awful. I had to tell the boys before we left that we would go to the hospital, but baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us. They didn't understand. Ike wanted to know why we couldn't fix his heart. Axton wanted to know if we could have a sister next time. I guess that is expected from a 6 year old with Asperger's. Mom drove me to the hospital and I needed that time with her. She has never left me in this entire process, even now. I need her more than she knows. I told her that day, I want so badly for a miracle to happen, but I knew as many mommy's do the truth. The miracle wasn't in saving Sylas, the miracle would be somewhere else.We couldn't sleep that night. No one could. How could we? We knew the outcome of this whole induction. Birth and leave Sylas behind. What a cruel world, I thought that a million times! God sent me angels in form of nurses who never left me and grieved along with me. Even in the middle of our own personal hell, God took care of me and sent me Christy and Queena. I can't tell you how much it meant to me.

Today someone said without knowing what it would do to me, "You don't look like you just had a baby". I wanted to say, "But, I did just have a baby. Don't you know that??" I told Tim today it's a catch 22. It's hard to have the reminders and no Sylas, but it's also hard to be loosing those memories of pregnancy so fast. I just want the world to stop!

When we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't for the life of us come up with a name. We have Axton, who's name is so unique, we couldn't go with some ordinary name. We just called him, the baby who shall remain nameless or Tick Tackett =) When the day came and I found Sylas, I told Tim and we said "That's it"! As I read about Paul and Silas, I was reassured that we picked the right name. Even in the middle of prison and being chained up, they sang and praised God. Never loosing heart. That is what my Sylas did. Even in a real life struggle, he fought and we praised God for the gift! I guess that's the hard part about life. We so badly want God to fix it and make it all better and when he doesn't, we just stop praying and praising him. It's like "I want this gift and if you don't give it to me, I won't speak to you again". What kind of love is that? One sided? I don't want to show one sided love to God. Even though my angel isn't here, God didn't stop loving me and he isn't mad at me. I can ask him questions. Our own children question us, it's no different for us to question God. He knows my heart and knows it's breaking and and I don't understand his plan! He still loves me and will bring me peace in the pain.

I sleep little, because when I sleep I see my baby. The pain is so real at night. The quite from the madness of the day is deafening. The boys go to bed and Tim tries to sleep. I just walk the house. I find myself humming now. It seems to bring me peace. Today the song was, It is well within my soul. As the days drag on, I have no idea what day it is. All I know is that, It is well within my soul.

Until then...

Sylas's biggest fan


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