Thursday, July 28, 2011

Trying times...

"It is not so much that we are afraid of change, or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear."

Well hello there truth! I am not so afraid of where I came from or where I am going, I am terrified of the right now. I have moments in the day when I am OK and then like a summer rainstorm, the fear and sadness creep up. Today, in the middle of a workshop for my job, I saw a graphic design booth advertising their products and what did they have on display? A "Dr. Taylor Delivers only the best" onesie. My doctor! Seriously?! Out of all the products in the world, they do work for my doctor?? In the most random place, I had to choose how to deal with that. Cry and look like an insane person in the middle of a crowd of strangers or pray immediately that God would grant me a sense of peace and calmness. I chose option 2, but the first choice would have been more entertaining and eye catching =) And...God provided immediate peace. I am OK on the outside most days, but the past 2 days have been the most challenging since June. I think it has to do with school fast approaching, going back to work, baby showers, and soon arrivals coming. Normal life stuff! I have to remember to talk myself through the hard times and though I feel insane, it's normal and it's not all rational. The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem, right?

Axton spent the night with my mom last night and when I told him goodbye he hugged me with the biggest hug and wouldn't let go. I over analyzed that hug all night. He isn't a "huggie" kid to say the least, but neither am I. I wondered if something was wrong, was I never coming back, what was it??? And then I realized, maybe all of that insight he has in his sweet self, knew I was struggling with the day and needed to be held tight. My first born, my sweet earthly angel! He has so many questions and not enough hours in the day. He feels comfortable enough to talk to me about anything and I hope that relationship never changes. He asked if Sylas would have called him bubby like he calls Ike. I assured him that I believe 100% he would have. He tells me about the twin sisters God will send us. I reminded him God doesn't always answer our prayers...LOL Constant reminders in him, God know what we need. He knew before I was even formed, that Axton would be mine and I would need his quirkiness to make my life complete.

God, I am pretty sure I need peace. You have this under control and you always have. You are driving this boat, calm the storm in me. Thank you that even when I panic and cry because it's not fair, you still love me. Prepare me hart Oh God.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bad day?

Today all I have to say is, I am struggling..... I hurt, I cry, and I am human. The pain is raw. The reality is so real. I just ache. The tears have over taken me for the first time in a little awhile. It sucks. Harsh maybe? But, the truth no doubt.

I miss him......More than words can say, more than people may understand, I miss him... The reminders of the life that I won't see grow, are every where. Today, I don't want to see them anymore. I want to tune them out with the rest of the world. I want to be selfish, I want to throw a child size fit, I want to scream about all the unfairness of this entire situation. Yet, I won't. I will have my tears, talk to my God and I'll be ok.

God, see my heart and not the emotional wreck I am today. Use this to help me grow stonger in you. May I rest upon you today.

Until then....
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 24, 2011

rambles

In the giggles and the wiggles, my mind is still with you. From the beginning to the end, no one was with you each second of the day like I was. I wish I were still carrying you and keeping you safe from harm. I miss knowing you are with me. It's hard to drown out all of the noise and find calmness and peace. I may never fully understand your loss, but I know what they say, "Our loss is Heaven's gain". I just wish they didn't need you there more than being here with Mommy and Daddy.

I have a closet full of things for you son. It hurts me to even open the door to the closet, because of the flood of emotions it opens in my heart. I have toys for you, sweet gowns for you to wear, and plenty of blankets to keep you safe and warm. I called you "Sy" today and wondered if you would have liked that nickname, like Axton is called Ax. I held your cousin today and wished secretly you were who I was holding. She would have been your buddy. She's a sweetheart like you would have been. So many things remind me of what could have been and what will never be. Insert unfair moment here....I love you sweet baby boy. Nothing will ever change that.

God, grant me peace....

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I survived

Rumor is...I survived the baby shower with flying colors and the truth is, I did! I don't want to pat myself on the back and give myself a standing ovation, but I think I will. Please rise for this moment! lol I won't lie, there were times in the gift opening when I saw my angel in those clothes, using those bottles, being wrapped in those blankets... I had moments when I wanted to leave the room to just have a "moment", but I stayed and I survived! It didn't kill me like I thought it would. I found joy in the moments watching a new mommy to be, experiencing what I already have with Axton. The brand news, the what will be, the million and one questions about the wonderful world of being a Mommy! How awesome is it for her to be joining this crazy life we call Mommyhood!

Isn't it funny how we all have a different definition of survival. I could have swore it was when you went camping in the wilderness or something..Now, I see it as making it through each day stronger than when I went into the day. It means something totally different to each person. I am surviving. I am making it. A different way then I ever thought I'd have to, but I am OK. One and half months after letting my baby go back to the one who created him, I am still Me! A different kind of Me, but Me no less. I see people different, I love harder, I sleep less, I worry a little more, and I try to not miss a moment. I have even found myself laughing at things I never thought were funny before and letting Axton eat random things for dinner. Life is short and I know oh to well that hard truth.

And so, life goes on. New life is created and I am left to pick up and move on. People will begin to wonder when I stop talking about him or writing about him. In case we aren't clear, he's still my son. I won't harp on him, but I will bring him up if I feel that it's appropriate. We may or may not have any more babies, but if we choose to try again let me make two things clear, it's our choice and we know what our odds are. We also won't ever replace Sylas. He's our son. I have 2 sons, 1 with me and 1 waiting for me. The odds of another baby with a heart defect don't change from your average birth. 8 out of 1,000 babies are born with one from mild to severe.

God, thank you for your peace today. I never felt alone. I felt your hand on my all throughout the day. Bless this new life we will soon meet. May he always know what it feels like to have unending love! Grant me the ability to find my place again. And God, kiss him for me!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, July 22, 2011

Babies and more babies..

Some days just suck.....=) Other days I see life as my playground.....

Today, I am somewhere in the middle. I have a baby shower tomorrow for my cousin. Not just your run of the mill cousin, my very first one. She has always been one of my favorite people in this world. This is her first baby and we were due just days apart. We share a doctor's office and we have shared pregnancy updates. I will be in the waiting room when she gives birth, just like she has been both times for me. With Sylas, she was with me fro start to finish. She is amazing! It's such a bittersweet time for me to watch her go through all of this. Jett is going to be one lucky baby!

As Axton and I shopped for her gift today in Babies R US, he kept asking questions about Sylas. "Would Sylas have liked this if he were alive, would he wear this if he were alive"? "Mom, we would have to buy him shoes with this shirt". "I would like to buy him this bed if he were alive". Oh, sweet Axton, how I wish we didn't have to talk about him in the past tense. He is still dealing with his own questions. He doesn't grasp Sylas's loss, of course neither do I. We made it through the trip without me having any sort of crying session or meltdown. I am going to let you in on a secret, That shopping trip took every ounce of strength I could find inside of myself. I know that in less than a month and a half, I should be giving birth to Sylas and taking him home to be with his family. Instead, I have already had him and given him back to the one who created him. Insert the not so fair moment here. I won't feel sorry for myself at all. Why should I? This was the plan all along. I just wasn't aware of it until it was time.. I was created to be, over the top, insanely obsessive, never meet a stranger, always on top of my game, take care of the details, strong willed, and stubborn, because.....God knew I'd need all of those qualities to survive June 10,2011 and the days to come. He prepared me. Didn't I ask for that? Yes, I did. I was just hoping instead of preparing my heart, he would hear the other prayer and heal my son. God's timing, isn't always ours and his plan isn't always ours, but we survive and are stronger an wiser, because of his plans! And so am I. I am surviving everyday. It makes my hurt no less, but each day I am making it! And, Sylas is where he isn't sick anymore. See the plan =)

God, let your ways be my ways, your plan, my plan. In the times were I question or start to doubt, point me in the right direction. I can't do this alone. When the days seem like weeks and I can't find my balance, Lord, be my calender and hold on to me. Prepare me for what is next. Whatever it may be, I want for my heart to be ready!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 17, 2011

back to reality

A few days away with my parents in Branson was good for the soul. Axton shopping, not so god for any one's soul =) We are back to reality now. It had been 5 weeks since Sylas was born and I know I am healing every day. I am learning to sleep again without the nighttime medicine. I don't like feeling I am dependant on something, so I want to get back to some normalcy. I still see Sylas in my dreams, but instead of letting it upsetting me now, I let it bring me peace, that he isn't gone fully. I miss him so terribly. I grieve for the life that didn't get to be, the moments he won't be able to experience, and for all the things I won't be able to tell him. I am finding daily peace though. Life goes on and people count on me. I will always have this little box inside my heart, that holds everyone of the hurts, thoughts, moments, pictures, of Sylas. He will always be with me. When I look at Axton, I think of what Sylas would have looked like at 6 and if he would be as full of life as him. I have a thousand wonders and yet I have no answers. I see baby picture post, baby updates, a baby shower invitation on my refrigerator, and it all reminds me that God is creating new life. A double edged sword for me. The excited side of me, loves to see everyone so happy and sweet smelling babies around to love, but the selfish part of me wants so badly to have all of those post and pictures, be my own. In time I guess....

God, I continue to see you guiding me and loving me. Daily reminders are less painful and more of an excitement that I get to see my angel again one day. You promised to never leave me and I take you at your word. Help me in my own selfishness, that I don't get jealous of other's happiness and I rejoice with them in new life! And one more thing...Kiss him for me, lots of times!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Doctor's Appt.

I survived the Doctor's Office! I do adore my OB, but I wish he would move offices just for my visits=) I had no idea how many emotions would come flooding back to me. I relived the 8 weeks appointment with Tim and my mom. The ultrasound to find out he was a boy. The heartbeats...I was there all over again. God knew my heart and there wasn't a pregnant person in that office today that I could see. It made being back a lot easier to bare. I met with the Doctor in his office to go over the tests...

His genetic diagnoses.........46-XY...Defention, he was a boy! No down syndrome, no other chromosomal abnormality, nothing, but a sweet boy. We discussed the placenta/umbilical cord test and the Doctor and pathologist spoke about why he came to his diagnoses. Apparently when you exhibit the heart failure and swelling, plus a few other symptoms, they label it the blood disorder. Not knowing me or Sylas's history or our blood type, that's what he went with. After they spoke, I think they are in agreement, he died of Multiple heart anomalies. The swelling was due to heart failure. His heart was so bad, that he just couldn't survive and his body couldn't take anymore. Someone said, "From the moment his heart took its first beat, he was destined to die". What a harsh reality, but a very true statement. He was never made to live outside of my womb. He was my womb mate, but not made to be our housemate on this earth. I don't understand why God sent me a son I couldn't keep, but I think he understands, from watching his own son suffer. He knows my pain more than anyone. A destiny to be sent to us, but not to be our earthly son, those words just keep playing over in my head. Another, it's not fair moment! I asked about more babies in our future. Because Sylas had no chromosomal problems and the heart defect seems to be a random problem, he gave us the green light for our future. Tim and I were talking about it all tonight and I said, what a strange place that we are in. We never thought having children would be a discussion. People just get pregnant and have healthy babies, right?! Unfortunately, we know to well the answer to that question. I was relieved he didn't close the door for us forever. I wasn't ready for that yet. It's all in God's hands and timing.

What an awesome God you are. From the moment we found on we were expecting, to the day I received word the screen had come back high, to the testing, to delivery....You were always at work. Sylas wasn't meant to live on this earth, but he is living on in me. I look back today and watched how your hand was guiding me and molding me for the days I would face. What an amazing feeling to know I was never alone! My pain is real, but I am resting on your wings.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Monday, July 11, 2011

Noise!

Both boys back under 1 roof. The noise is in full swing. I am not going to lie, it helps keep my mind off things. Laughing, arguing, talking.. They adore each other. Their bond is a wonderful thing to watch. They both call each other "Bubby" and they live for one another. I have always been amazed at the two of them and I know they are enjoying this time back together. We did a little back to school shopping today. I just kept thinking, I should be about to give birth when school starts. I had plans for Sylas. Staying home with me and then staying with Mimi while I worked. Going to eat lunch with the boys, shopping on Fridays when I am off...Plans I can't make happen anymore. I go to see Dr. Taylor Wednesday. I am anxious about what he can tell me about the pathology report. I have so many questions, but I am trying to prepare myself he may not be able to answer them.

I have to prepare my emotional roller coaster self, that changes will come and go. Ike goes back Sunday for 3 more weeks with his mom, before he's home for good, school will start, I will go back to work, holidays will come, and the truth remains the same. God's ways are not my ways and I am still not in control. It's a part of reality, I am finally coming to terms with. I wanted so bad to hide the truth and fight with reality. That may sound awful, but I don't want to face the fact that this loss is greater than anyone will ever know. I am healing, but not the wound is so fresh and the scar is great. I will make it, because that's what I have to do.

God, may I always know you are in control. May, I not get ahead of you or your will. I pray that I am the mother and wife that you have planned for me. That they never doubt my undying love for them. Grant me peace in the middle of my insanity.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Happy 1 month Angel

May it never be goodbye. May it just be, see you later.

Parents shouldn't have to visit their children in the cemetary. It's a hard truth about life, I never realized we would face. We went to see his final earthlu resting place with Mimi and Papa today. Seeing the dirt beginning to grow new grass again, reminded me that new life is growing again where Sylas's lays. The sun was beaming down on him and as always when we visit, there was a calm wind blowing. We sent balloons to him again today. I hope he loved them just like Axton does. I wish we could have celebrated with him today while we held him, but I know he is being held by God now. I had the chance to sit beside him and tell him how much we missed him. I can't wait for him to tell me about Noah and Jonah. To tell me what he thought of meeting our grandparents. I asked him to watch over us and his brothers. To sneak in on Mimi and Papa each day to let them know he can see what amazing grandparents they are. I just wanted to tell him all the mommy things I can't say to him on this earth.

My heart aches and longs for him. No one may know the pain I carry. Even through my strange sense of humor and my not so funny jokes, I just can't dull the pain inside.

God, calm the storm in me. What if the trials of this life, are my mercies in disguise? Help me to see you in all things, not just the good days. I know that even though I may not feel it right at this moment, you are with me. You have never left me.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, July 9, 2011

and the time is coming

There were photographs I wanted to take,
Things I wanted to show you,
Sing sweet lullaby's,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like that?

I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All my life,
I will praise the One,
Who has chosen me,
To carry you.


1 month ago on Friday June 10,2011 at 9:38 pm, Tim and I became the proud parents to one of God's chosen angels. What greater honor than to be chosen by God to carry Sylas. Our grief is no smaller today then when we let our angel go, but we rest in the fact that he is safe in the arms of God.

Sylas, from the depths of my soul, I miss you. From the bottom of my heart, I love you. You may not be here with us, but you will never be forgotten!

I love you, Mommy

Friday, July 8, 2011

Who needs answers anyway

Once again, I am faced with the reality that I may never have all the answers I so desperately search for. I read over the pathology report and read my charts from UAMS. Nothing in those, but questions. Sunday is his 1 month birthday. I wish he were with us for the celebration. Today, I want a magic wand. To bad Cinderella's fairy godmother was a fictional character. I could use some bibbity boppity boo right about now.

Sylas and I were the same blood type, but his blood disorder would be for a mother and a baby that were not the same. His heart defect could have been caused by the blood disorder, if he had down syndrome, or just because he had a heart defect. Well isn't that a bunch of more confusion and question and answer session. I measured further ahead the entire time and he was big for the gestation. His swelling had to do with his hydrops, but I also could have been further ahead then what we thought. Still sucks :/ Nothing...Nada...Zero...Answers! I want it cut and dry. That's the OCD in me or as my sweet friend says the CDO(so OCD you have to have the letters in order..lol) I want the answers to just be there and the questions to go away. I want the fog of my life to be lifted, my memory to come back, and for life to be the same as it was before June 10, 2011. I don't want much, do I? I have needed peace the past few days. The medicine doesn't take my pain away and I want it to. Actually, I want the world to stop.......

And back in reality...The world keeps moving, the bills keep coming, the boys keep growing, and I have to find my entrance back into a world that isn't mourning the loss of my son the way I am. I am not sure how I am going to do that just yet. Not having the answers to anything is hard for a control freak like me. I get it God, this time it isn't about control, it's about being still and knowing you are God. Now my heart knows it, tell my mind.

God, I know the world won't stop because I want it to. Comfort me. The one month birth date for Sylas is in 2 days and I am not ready for it, prepare me. Prepare my heart Oh God for the days, weeks, months and years ahead. Comfort me as I sleep and give me rest. I want to feel him with me. I search for him in everything I do. Peace be still...

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Thursday, July 7, 2011

test results

Today the honest truth is....I am angry, I am hurting, and I have no clue when any of it gets better. I can not see past the fog I am living in right now. The pathology report of Sylas's umbilical cord and my placenta came back. I don't understand it and I won't see my dr. until the 13th. They gave me an earlier appointment for him to explain what he can. Things they found: nucleated red blood cells, Erythroblastosis Fetalis. Background on me: I am have O negative blood. I received shots with Axton at 28 weeks and another at birth since he is positive like Tim. When the blood crosses the placenta, mother and baby's blood can fight one another....Problem here.Sylas was O negative like me. Doesn't make sense does it? That's where the problem lies. I don't know what to think of anything. I didn't cause his down syndrome or his heart defect, but this blood thing, I feel responsible for. It's my blood that caused the problem to his. I am sure that's an irrational thought, but for a grieving mom I think maybe it's normal?? I fell apart when I talked to the nurse. My heart sank. I don't want another baby today, but eventually in time, I'd like to think we could try again, but that may not be possible. It's the cruel world truth, I so badly hate right now. I am being reassured I am not going crazy and what I feel is normal grief for being almost 4 weeks out. I am praying they are right. The crazy ward doesn't need me right now=)

So today just over all feels like a fail. I hurt, I am slightly numb, and I just want to lay down and cry, but I am can't get still enough to lay. I just walk the house. I can't find peace today and I know that is there.

God, carry me. I can't go any further.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Letter

Sylas,

I feel the need to talk to you tonight. I miss you terribly. I don't know how much my heart can break. Our time was cut to short. I miss feeling you at night. It's when I felt the very closest to you. I wanted so badly for time to stop when the nurses put you in my arms after you were born. I don't understand why we had to let you go so soon, but I know you are safe now and resting with angels. I pray each night that God will show you what kind of parents we would have been to you. That you will be held and loved like I would have held and loved you. My heart knows you are in a perfect place, but my mind isn't at peace just yet. I want so badly to be your mommy right now and right here on this Earth. Just know my sweet baby, that I will always be your mommy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and long for you. Axton ask about you and even said you went with us yesterday to the Museum. I hope you got to see the smile on his face and hear his sweet giggles of excitement. He draws pictures of you and knows you are sitting with the angels now. You may not physically be here in this house with us, but you are always in our hearts! Never forgotten.

I wanted to share secrets with you I won't be able to share as you get older. Mommy puts the money under your pillow, Santa is as real as you want him to be, Christmas is my very favorite holiday and Daddy says he doesn't like it, but we know the truth=) When your brothers are sleeping, I like to watch them and say prayers over them. I drink out of the orange juice carton when no one is looking. It hurts me to have to get on to your brothers. Mimi and Papa are my hero's, but Papa says hero's can't be alive. I think being a mom and wife to your Daddy and brother's is the greatest job of all! I cry when I drop Axton off at school. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom for a few minutes of quite time.

Those are just secrets for today Angel. More will come with time. I love you always! Keep a watch over us. Knowing you are there gets me through the day.

Mommy

and the days keep coming

I haven't blogged in a few days. With the craziness of the holiday and the madness of life, I didn't have time to sit. We loved sharing the 4th with lots of friends and family. It was the highlight of Axton's life until Thanksgiving in Disney World this year =) I watched the fireworks and thoughts of how much Sylas would love them too, just like Axton.

Today has just been an overall emotional day. I had what seemed like real dreams of Sylas last night. When I woke up I realized it was all a dream. Such a hard let down. I wish that I could hide the pain away in sleep, but sleeping just makes it all so real to me. I have conversations I think are real, but when I ask about them, I realize they were dreams. I tried to clean up and get more organized with the cards and letters we have received through this time. I went through some paper work from the hospital and Sylas's pictures fell out. I surprisingly didn't fall apart. I just felt heart sick. Time stopped for a minute. I filled out the paperwork for his death and still born birth certificate. I cleaned around his pictures, read the book "Mommy don't cry", and folded his blanket and pillow that he laid on while he was in the hospital. Apparently, I decided to punish myself all at once today. I did manage to survive the day so far. Going to Wal-Mart was again a blur. I have no idea why I can't grocery shop anymore without coming home with duplicate items I already have and zero meat. I am praying this "blur" fades and I can actually be a productive person again someday. Each day is a new day and the emotions that come with it are new to me. My panic about normal daily things, seem more apparent the past few days. Axton being out of my sight, remembering what bills are due, and did I sweep the floors. I have always had a super attachment to Axton, but it seems worse now. I explain it like this, I know what loosing a child is like and I can't loose another. The bills, I have always been a spaz about =) and the sweeping, I use as a tactic to help keep my mind off of things.

Axton asked about starting school the other day and I felt the panic creeping up inside of me. I can't imagine the day the boys start to school and I am left alone in the school to walk to my car alone. The quite is deafening to me. I am a big girl and will survive, but having Axton every day with me, helps the healing. Someone did tell me that talking about Sylas so much with Axton keeps him to much alive. I didn't say anything that day, but for future reference...Sylas is and will always be apart of our family. A son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, and a cousin. If you don't want to hear about my son, don't listen and don't read. Of course, that's the mommy in me coming out. We don't force the conversation on Axton, but he is free to talk about his brother and ask questions whenever he wants. We also don't go into extreme detail. We give him what we know as parents, he can handle.

God, you are with me always and I love feeling you near. My panic seems to be worse lately, grant me peace. Help me to face each day head on and to not be afraid to face my fears. Grant me the ability to speak up when I need to and keep quite when it isn't in your timing. May you always be represented in my words and my thoughts.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Saturday, July 2, 2011

right hand over the heart

'I do not mourn fr what you were, but for what cannot be-the unfinished life we did not share" Anonymous.

Such a powerful statement from a mother who lost a baby. I couldn't have said it better myself. I am not a tattoo kind of girl. Never have been. I just haven't ever wanted anything I wanted permanently attached to my body. Over the past week, I have just wanted his birthday on my wrist. So, last night after our dinner date at a steak house in no man's land, we decided to drive to a place we know. I now have Sylas's birth date on my right wrist. The symbolism behind that place? When placing my hand over my heart, he is always with me. Strange? Maybe, but not to me. I now have a daily reminder of what I no longer have on this earth, but will one day hold again. I take great joy in knowing I will see him one day. It makes the days without him a little less painful.

Our Anniversary is tomorrow and so is the annual 4th of July party at my aunt's house. "Worley" is one of Axton's favorite people and I am sure Sylas would have adored her just the same. Axton looks forward to this day all year. The fireworks end the day and his little face just lights up. I am so thankful God chose to give him to me! In my sadness, I have his little face to brighten any rough day I face. I think holidays will be the hardest parts for me. I want him to be enjoying all the things we are. I remembered today, he is! He is watching from the most perfect spot. He has the best view.

Happy 4th of July my Angel boy! I love you more than life. I would have gladly taken your spot if God would have let me. I miss you so much. My heart aches without you here. Not a moment in the day goes by where you aren't on my mind. Keep a watch over your brother's. Axton asked me today, if you could see him. I told him you always would! This weekend, I would love to show you the fireworks. I guess your seat is better than ours =) Daddy and I will never forget the 27 weeks I carried you and felt you everyday. We love you Angel!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Friday, July 1, 2011

Anniversary

Our Anniversary is Sunday, but with the holiday, we are celebrating tonight. For the fist time in 7 years, I just don't feel like celebrating. I haven' even bought a card for him. I always do, but this year I can barley maneuver through the grocery store and get a few items on my list. I forget everything. I have talked for the past week of ideas of things to do, but I just don't have the energy to care where we go. I had been thinking in the past month, I would be pregnant and hot during our anniversary. I keep replaying those thoughts over and over today. That seems like a distant memory. I would love to still be pregnant and feel Sylas moving in there. His little personality forming. Wondering if he would be more like Tim or me. It all seems so unreal still. Someone did ask when I would get to the point of writing about something else. Just to be clear, I may talk about other things when I write, because there are more people in my house, but...I won't ever stop writing about Sylas. My life moves on from June 10, 2011, but he will always be my son! He is forever a part of my world.

Lord, as we celebrate 7 years of marriage, we thank you for what you have given us. The love we share can't ever be replaced. Thank you for be being the center of our home and our hearts! Without you guiding us, we would never make it.

Until then...
Syala's Greatest Fan
Mommy