Wednesday, July 6, 2011

and the days keep coming

I haven't blogged in a few days. With the craziness of the holiday and the madness of life, I didn't have time to sit. We loved sharing the 4th with lots of friends and family. It was the highlight of Axton's life until Thanksgiving in Disney World this year =) I watched the fireworks and thoughts of how much Sylas would love them too, just like Axton.

Today has just been an overall emotional day. I had what seemed like real dreams of Sylas last night. When I woke up I realized it was all a dream. Such a hard let down. I wish that I could hide the pain away in sleep, but sleeping just makes it all so real to me. I have conversations I think are real, but when I ask about them, I realize they were dreams. I tried to clean up and get more organized with the cards and letters we have received through this time. I went through some paper work from the hospital and Sylas's pictures fell out. I surprisingly didn't fall apart. I just felt heart sick. Time stopped for a minute. I filled out the paperwork for his death and still born birth certificate. I cleaned around his pictures, read the book "Mommy don't cry", and folded his blanket and pillow that he laid on while he was in the hospital. Apparently, I decided to punish myself all at once today. I did manage to survive the day so far. Going to Wal-Mart was again a blur. I have no idea why I can't grocery shop anymore without coming home with duplicate items I already have and zero meat. I am praying this "blur" fades and I can actually be a productive person again someday. Each day is a new day and the emotions that come with it are new to me. My panic about normal daily things, seem more apparent the past few days. Axton being out of my sight, remembering what bills are due, and did I sweep the floors. I have always had a super attachment to Axton, but it seems worse now. I explain it like this, I know what loosing a child is like and I can't loose another. The bills, I have always been a spaz about =) and the sweeping, I use as a tactic to help keep my mind off of things.

Axton asked about starting school the other day and I felt the panic creeping up inside of me. I can't imagine the day the boys start to school and I am left alone in the school to walk to my car alone. The quite is deafening to me. I am a big girl and will survive, but having Axton every day with me, helps the healing. Someone did tell me that talking about Sylas so much with Axton keeps him to much alive. I didn't say anything that day, but for future reference...Sylas is and will always be apart of our family. A son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, and a cousin. If you don't want to hear about my son, don't listen and don't read. Of course, that's the mommy in me coming out. We don't force the conversation on Axton, but he is free to talk about his brother and ask questions whenever he wants. We also don't go into extreme detail. We give him what we know as parents, he can handle.

God, you are with me always and I love feeling you near. My panic seems to be worse lately, grant me peace. Help me to face each day head on and to not be afraid to face my fears. Grant me the ability to speak up when I need to and keep quite when it isn't in your timing. May you always be represented in my words and my thoughts.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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