Some days just suck.....=) Other days I see life as my playground.....
Today, I am somewhere in the middle. I have a baby shower tomorrow for my cousin. Not just your run of the mill cousin, my very first one. She has always been one of my favorite people in this world. This is her first baby and we were due just days apart. We share a doctor's office and we have shared pregnancy updates. I will be in the waiting room when she gives birth, just like she has been both times for me. With Sylas, she was with me fro start to finish. She is amazing! It's such a bittersweet time for me to watch her go through all of this. Jett is going to be one lucky baby!
As Axton and I shopped for her gift today in Babies R US, he kept asking questions about Sylas. "Would Sylas have liked this if he were alive, would he wear this if he were alive"? "Mom, we would have to buy him shoes with this shirt". "I would like to buy him this bed if he were alive". Oh, sweet Axton, how I wish we didn't have to talk about him in the past tense. He is still dealing with his own questions. He doesn't grasp Sylas's loss, of course neither do I. We made it through the trip without me having any sort of crying session or meltdown. I am going to let you in on a secret, That shopping trip took every ounce of strength I could find inside of myself. I know that in less than a month and a half, I should be giving birth to Sylas and taking him home to be with his family. Instead, I have already had him and given him back to the one who created him. Insert the not so fair moment here. I won't feel sorry for myself at all. Why should I? This was the plan all along. I just wasn't aware of it until it was time.. I was created to be, over the top, insanely obsessive, never meet a stranger, always on top of my game, take care of the details, strong willed, and stubborn, because.....God knew I'd need all of those qualities to survive June 10,2011 and the days to come. He prepared me. Didn't I ask for that? Yes, I did. I was just hoping instead of preparing my heart, he would hear the other prayer and heal my son. God's timing, isn't always ours and his plan isn't always ours, but we survive and are stronger an wiser, because of his plans! And so am I. I am surviving everyday. It makes my hurt no less, but each day I am making it! And, Sylas is where he isn't sick anymore. See the plan =)
God, let your ways be my ways, your plan, my plan. In the times were I question or start to doubt, point me in the right direction. I can't do this alone. When the days seem like weeks and I can't find my balance, Lord, be my calender and hold on to me. Prepare me for what is next. Whatever it may be, I want for my heart to be ready!
Sylas's Greatest Fan