Sunday, July 17, 2011

back to reality

A few days away with my parents in Branson was good for the soul. Axton shopping, not so god for any one's soul =) We are back to reality now. It had been 5 weeks since Sylas was born and I know I am healing every day. I am learning to sleep again without the nighttime medicine. I don't like feeling I am dependant on something, so I want to get back to some normalcy. I still see Sylas in my dreams, but instead of letting it upsetting me now, I let it bring me peace, that he isn't gone fully. I miss him so terribly. I grieve for the life that didn't get to be, the moments he won't be able to experience, and for all the things I won't be able to tell him. I am finding daily peace though. Life goes on and people count on me. I will always have this little box inside my heart, that holds everyone of the hurts, thoughts, moments, pictures, of Sylas. He will always be with me. When I look at Axton, I think of what Sylas would have looked like at 6 and if he would be as full of life as him. I have a thousand wonders and yet I have no answers. I see baby picture post, baby updates, a baby shower invitation on my refrigerator, and it all reminds me that God is creating new life. A double edged sword for me. The excited side of me, loves to see everyone so happy and sweet smelling babies around to love, but the selfish part of me wants so badly to have all of those post and pictures, be my own. In time I guess....

God, I continue to see you guiding me and loving me. Daily reminders are less painful and more of an excitement that I get to see my angel again one day. You promised to never leave me and I take you at your word. Help me in my own selfishness, that I don't get jealous of other's happiness and I rejoice with them in new life! And one more thing...Kiss him for me, lots of times!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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