Saturday, July 23, 2011

I survived

Rumor is...I survived the baby shower with flying colors and the truth is, I did! I don't want to pat myself on the back and give myself a standing ovation, but I think I will. Please rise for this moment! lol I won't lie, there were times in the gift opening when I saw my angel in those clothes, using those bottles, being wrapped in those blankets... I had moments when I wanted to leave the room to just have a "moment", but I stayed and I survived! It didn't kill me like I thought it would. I found joy in the moments watching a new mommy to be, experiencing what I already have with Axton. The brand news, the what will be, the million and one questions about the wonderful world of being a Mommy! How awesome is it for her to be joining this crazy life we call Mommyhood!

Isn't it funny how we all have a different definition of survival. I could have swore it was when you went camping in the wilderness or something..Now, I see it as making it through each day stronger than when I went into the day. It means something totally different to each person. I am surviving. I am making it. A different way then I ever thought I'd have to, but I am OK. One and half months after letting my baby go back to the one who created him, I am still Me! A different kind of Me, but Me no less. I see people different, I love harder, I sleep less, I worry a little more, and I try to not miss a moment. I have even found myself laughing at things I never thought were funny before and letting Axton eat random things for dinner. Life is short and I know oh to well that hard truth.

And so, life goes on. New life is created and I am left to pick up and move on. People will begin to wonder when I stop talking about him or writing about him. In case we aren't clear, he's still my son. I won't harp on him, but I will bring him up if I feel that it's appropriate. We may or may not have any more babies, but if we choose to try again let me make two things clear, it's our choice and we know what our odds are. We also won't ever replace Sylas. He's our son. I have 2 sons, 1 with me and 1 waiting for me. The odds of another baby with a heart defect don't change from your average birth. 8 out of 1,000 babies are born with one from mild to severe.

God, thank you for your peace today. I never felt alone. I felt your hand on my all throughout the day. Bless this new life we will soon meet. May he always know what it feels like to have unending love! Grant me the ability to find my place again. And God, kiss him for me!

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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