Monday, July 11, 2011

Noise!

Both boys back under 1 roof. The noise is in full swing. I am not going to lie, it helps keep my mind off things. Laughing, arguing, talking.. They adore each other. Their bond is a wonderful thing to watch. They both call each other "Bubby" and they live for one another. I have always been amazed at the two of them and I know they are enjoying this time back together. We did a little back to school shopping today. I just kept thinking, I should be about to give birth when school starts. I had plans for Sylas. Staying home with me and then staying with Mimi while I worked. Going to eat lunch with the boys, shopping on Fridays when I am off...Plans I can't make happen anymore. I go to see Dr. Taylor Wednesday. I am anxious about what he can tell me about the pathology report. I have so many questions, but I am trying to prepare myself he may not be able to answer them.

I have to prepare my emotional roller coaster self, that changes will come and go. Ike goes back Sunday for 3 more weeks with his mom, before he's home for good, school will start, I will go back to work, holidays will come, and the truth remains the same. God's ways are not my ways and I am still not in control. It's a part of reality, I am finally coming to terms with. I wanted so bad to hide the truth and fight with reality. That may sound awful, but I don't want to face the fact that this loss is greater than anyone will ever know. I am healing, but not the wound is so fresh and the scar is great. I will make it, because that's what I have to do.

God, may I always know you are in control. May, I not get ahead of you or your will. I pray that I am the mother and wife that you have planned for me. That they never doubt my undying love for them. Grant me peace in the middle of my insanity.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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