Thursday, July 7, 2011

test results

Today the honest truth is....I am angry, I am hurting, and I have no clue when any of it gets better. I can not see past the fog I am living in right now. The pathology report of Sylas's umbilical cord and my placenta came back. I don't understand it and I won't see my dr. until the 13th. They gave me an earlier appointment for him to explain what he can. Things they found: nucleated red blood cells, Erythroblastosis Fetalis. Background on me: I am have O negative blood. I received shots with Axton at 28 weeks and another at birth since he is positive like Tim. When the blood crosses the placenta, mother and baby's blood can fight one another....Problem here.Sylas was O negative like me. Doesn't make sense does it? That's where the problem lies. I don't know what to think of anything. I didn't cause his down syndrome or his heart defect, but this blood thing, I feel responsible for. It's my blood that caused the problem to his. I am sure that's an irrational thought, but for a grieving mom I think maybe it's normal?? I fell apart when I talked to the nurse. My heart sank. I don't want another baby today, but eventually in time, I'd like to think we could try again, but that may not be possible. It's the cruel world truth, I so badly hate right now. I am being reassured I am not going crazy and what I feel is normal grief for being almost 4 weeks out. I am praying they are right. The crazy ward doesn't need me right now=)

So today just over all feels like a fail. I hurt, I am slightly numb, and I just want to lay down and cry, but I am can't get still enough to lay. I just walk the house. I can't find peace today and I know that is there.

God, carry me. I can't go any further.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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