Thursday, July 28, 2011

Trying times...

"It is not so much that we are afraid of change, or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear."

Well hello there truth! I am not so afraid of where I came from or where I am going, I am terrified of the right now. I have moments in the day when I am OK and then like a summer rainstorm, the fear and sadness creep up. Today, in the middle of a workshop for my job, I saw a graphic design booth advertising their products and what did they have on display? A "Dr. Taylor Delivers only the best" onesie. My doctor! Seriously?! Out of all the products in the world, they do work for my doctor?? In the most random place, I had to choose how to deal with that. Cry and look like an insane person in the middle of a crowd of strangers or pray immediately that God would grant me a sense of peace and calmness. I chose option 2, but the first choice would have been more entertaining and eye catching =) And...God provided immediate peace. I am OK on the outside most days, but the past 2 days have been the most challenging since June. I think it has to do with school fast approaching, going back to work, baby showers, and soon arrivals coming. Normal life stuff! I have to remember to talk myself through the hard times and though I feel insane, it's normal and it's not all rational. The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem, right?

Axton spent the night with my mom last night and when I told him goodbye he hugged me with the biggest hug and wouldn't let go. I over analyzed that hug all night. He isn't a "huggie" kid to say the least, but neither am I. I wondered if something was wrong, was I never coming back, what was it??? And then I realized, maybe all of that insight he has in his sweet self, knew I was struggling with the day and needed to be held tight. My first born, my sweet earthly angel! He has so many questions and not enough hours in the day. He feels comfortable enough to talk to me about anything and I hope that relationship never changes. He asked if Sylas would have called him bubby like he calls Ike. I assured him that I believe 100% he would have. He tells me about the twin sisters God will send us. I reminded him God doesn't always answer our prayers...LOL Constant reminders in him, God know what we need. He knew before I was even formed, that Axton would be mine and I would need his quirkiness to make my life complete.

God, I am pretty sure I need peace. You have this under control and you always have. You are driving this boat, calm the storm in me. Thank you that even when I panic and cry because it's not fair, you still love me. Prepare me hart Oh God.

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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