Friday, July 8, 2011

Who needs answers anyway

Once again, I am faced with the reality that I may never have all the answers I so desperately search for. I read over the pathology report and read my charts from UAMS. Nothing in those, but questions. Sunday is his 1 month birthday. I wish he were with us for the celebration. Today, I want a magic wand. To bad Cinderella's fairy godmother was a fictional character. I could use some bibbity boppity boo right about now.

Sylas and I were the same blood type, but his blood disorder would be for a mother and a baby that were not the same. His heart defect could have been caused by the blood disorder, if he had down syndrome, or just because he had a heart defect. Well isn't that a bunch of more confusion and question and answer session. I measured further ahead the entire time and he was big for the gestation. His swelling had to do with his hydrops, but I also could have been further ahead then what we thought. Still sucks :/ Nothing...Nada...Zero...Answers! I want it cut and dry. That's the OCD in me or as my sweet friend says the CDO(so OCD you have to have the letters in order..lol) I want the answers to just be there and the questions to go away. I want the fog of my life to be lifted, my memory to come back, and for life to be the same as it was before June 10, 2011. I don't want much, do I? I have needed peace the past few days. The medicine doesn't take my pain away and I want it to. Actually, I want the world to stop.......

And back in reality...The world keeps moving, the bills keep coming, the boys keep growing, and I have to find my entrance back into a world that isn't mourning the loss of my son the way I am. I am not sure how I am going to do that just yet. Not having the answers to anything is hard for a control freak like me. I get it God, this time it isn't about control, it's about being still and knowing you are God. Now my heart knows it, tell my mind.

God, I know the world won't stop because I want it to. Comfort me. The one month birth date for Sylas is in 2 days and I am not ready for it, prepare me. Prepare my heart Oh God for the days, weeks, months and years ahead. Comfort me as I sleep and give me rest. I want to feel him with me. I search for him in everything I do. Peace be still...

Until then...
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

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