I debated on whether to write about this. I am not sure why, but it seemed like a sensitive topic. I decided that in order for me to heal and find peace with myself, I have to talk about what I face daily.
I went to see my OB on Monday. He isn't a doctor for everyone, but I adore the man. He told me that we had a 3% chance of having another baby with a heart condition, but all pregnancy's come with a 1% risk. I think 97% isn't all that bad of odds, but we will leave it in our creatures hands! He said that if he didn't see us before, he would see us in a year and told me he supported us in our journey for another baby if we so choose. The topic that I didn't want to discuss is what has has "stricken" me in the past couple of weeks. The anxiety that keeps me awake at all hours of the night, the overwhelming urge to cry when I know nothing is "really" wrong, the unrealistic and irrational fear that grips me. I was beginning to think I had completely lost my mind. I can't remember anything, I forget conversations I have with people. I never want Axton out of my sight. I balance money at 2 am. So not normal for someone who struggles daily with their OCD. After telling my doctor, he and I agreed it was more than my OCD and more than something that I can handle alone. He did inform me that talking to myself doesn't count as a therapy session. Nice try, Sharon! So the ugly word that I had so much dreaded came out, Postpartum Depression. I thought that only happened right after birth and in women who actually took their baby home! Apparently, I was wrong. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it and grief can make the symptoms appear worse. Am I ashamed that I am struggling almost 2 months after having Sylas? No. Am I upset because I wanted to be so strong and be able to cope like a champ? Yes. I call that pride. I have such a fear of failure in my everyday life, I almost called this bump in the road, a major fail. Then I realized, I am human! No super powers given, just a mommy who is grieving the loss of her baby and one whose hormones might be a bit our of whack still. Oh, how I'd love super powers right now. I put off cleaning, I can't remember the grocery list, I sleep when I can, but never want to get out of bed. Superwoman would do a far better job with her coping skills. This won't last forever and it won't be the death of me. I will survive! I just have to learn new coping skills and in this, I will find out what I am truly made of. I don't have a disease. I am human!
I don't know that I will ever find the "normal" that I grew accustomed to. I have a new normal. My new normal consist of talking myself out of fearful situations, that really aren't anything to worry about. My new normal is about adjusting me to fit God's plans. Sounds simple, right?? Wrong! I struggle with my inner self trying to be in control. I have the need to know everything that is going on around me, so that I don't feel that my world is out of control. I plan birthdays months ahead, I plan Christmas shopping and budget in June, I have the kids whole school year planned in my head...It's that human part of me. I laid it at God's feet last night. I can't carry this with me anymore. I didn't cause Sylas's death, I couldn't prevent his death, and I can't change the outcome. I have to cope with the reality. I am so thankful for everything around me and everyone in my life, so why can't I trust God enough to carry me? He always provides our needs, so why do I not trust him enough to come through now? He hasn't changed. He is still the same God before I had Sylas, that he is now. I have to be willing to ask for help. Pride laid to rest!
"Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25 No words could be more true!
Sylas's Greatest Fan