Monday, September 19, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

I am feeling normal today. I guess my hormones have decided to balance out again. Tomorrow, could be a different story, so hang around for the roller coaster. I tried to finish up the paperwork today for the UAMS appointment for the new baby. The questions I have to answer yes to now, suck.... Have you ever...Given birth to a stillborn, a baby with a heart defect, how many births have you had..... I wanted to scribble them out and say N/A, but I know the truth even when I want to deny the loss. I know that this is in our and the baby's best interest to have all of these early test done, but I would give anything to go back in time. Where is Micheal J. Fox and his time machine when I need him?

I keep having to remind myself about the growing life inside of me. You would think my lack of being able to fit into any type of pants because of the in between thing I have going on, the need to visit every bathroom everywhere I go, would all remind me, but sadly there are moments where I forget and just remember my brokenness. Remember this blog is about me being open and honest and that will mean I may say things that shock you like that may have.

I see Sylas in my dreams and I try and find the new baby, but they aren't with him. I guess that's a good sign, right? His sweet face isn't swollen in my dreams. I want to reach to hold him, but as fast as he comes, he is gone. I want to ask him if he has seen the new baby. My nightly prayers always include asking God to love Sylas until I get there one day to love on him. I pray for an overwhelming peace for the inside of me that stays afraid of the unknown and I pray for each organ and body part of the new baby, even down to the toes. Strange huh? I always took those things for granted, now I have a whole new insight. This new life forming is in such a precious stage. Even before they were formed in my womb, God knew who they would become. What an awesome moment. I can't control everything, but I can control my prayers and I can control that I will trust a God who has never left me. That gives me peace even when the roller coaster I am on, is in the middle of one of the upside down turns.

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, September 18, 2011

balance

I have to get back to blogging. It's the key to keeping my sanity. I seem to have misplaced it again lately. So many things going on and yet I don't seem to have the drive to do any of them. The new baby is set to make his or her appearance on April 22, 2012. I am terrified and excited at once. The testing with the specialist is on November 7th and I wish that day was tomorrow. I want to see Baby Tackett. To see their heart beat, to hear the heart beat. To know everything is going to be ok. I want to celebrate the life inside of me, but also know that life can change in just the blink of an eye.....In all of this, I miss Sylas.

Today, I laid on his grave and cried like I haven't cried in months. I looked in the sky and asked God to hear a mother's cry. I had plans for him, I had dreams for him. And in one small second, those were gone. He was gone. And here I am, mourning the loss of one baby and finding joy in the life of another. Where oh where is the balance? I know God had plans for Sylas and those weren't here on this earth with me. I know that God has plans for this baby and those plans, I pray, do include hanging out with Mom =) I miss the moments, I could have been sharing these past 3 months. Now, I am starting over again with a new life. I am so very thankful God gave me both of them! I should feel blessed that he chose me to have the strength to bare this, but some days I do have to fight the pity party. If I let it, it would creep up and try and take over.

I must find the balance to keep Sylas with me and also be able to let myself be OK to have joy in the new life. I am living to get to the November appointment. I want the Doctor to tell us, everything is A OK! Those would be the sweetest words I will ever hear. Before Sylas, I think I took pregnancy for granted. You want a baby? Boom, you have a baby. No if's, and's, or butt's about it. Now, I know oh to well how precious life is. I can do everything right, but sometimes that just isn't enough. That my friends, is the sucktastic part of life!

God, grant me balance. Keep my baby with me always and help me to rejoice this new life we ill soon get to know and name as our own. Help me that I don't loose focus on you and to not stop remembering, you didn't leave me.

"Peace like a river"....

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'm back!

My computer got hit by lighting...They really do know what they are talking about when they say, turn your computer off in a lightning storm..LOL I have missed blogging and so glad I am back.

I am coming along just fine. Not a day goes by I don't think about my sweet baby, but I am learning where those memories belong. I packed up some of the memories and things from the hospital the other day. It has been in the exact same spot for almost 3 months. I finally felt like I was in a ok place in my life to put them away. I won't lie, that moment was hard for me. Torn because I want to keep his memories fresh always, but knowing I can't have the sadness dominate my life.

Babies are being born, which I knew the time would come. I was supposed to have Sylas on Wednesday the 7th. What a bittersweet day that will be. To know he has already come and gone... No one prepares you for that in "what to expect when expecting". Who writes these books any way? I hear new baby cries, I have been in the hospital when my sweet cousin gave birth to her sweet baby boy, I had my pity party for myself (I was the only guest invited), and the great part is... I SURVIVED! That's the great part about life, the bad times don't define us, they define our strength. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Maybe God knew I would find that out through this, seeing as he's all knowing and all :) I have stopped questioning him. I see the good in Sylas's death and stopped focusing on the bad. My legs may have been taken out from under me for a little while, but I was carried during that point in my life. Now I am on my own two feet again and I am still being guided and directed.

There will be good days and there will be hard days, but I am never alone. That's what makes me never afraid of what is to come!

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy