Sunday, September 18, 2011

balance

I have to get back to blogging. It's the key to keeping my sanity. I seem to have misplaced it again lately. So many things going on and yet I don't seem to have the drive to do any of them. The new baby is set to make his or her appearance on April 22, 2012. I am terrified and excited at once. The testing with the specialist is on November 7th and I wish that day was tomorrow. I want to see Baby Tackett. To see their heart beat, to hear the heart beat. To know everything is going to be ok. I want to celebrate the life inside of me, but also know that life can change in just the blink of an eye.....In all of this, I miss Sylas.

Today, I laid on his grave and cried like I haven't cried in months. I looked in the sky and asked God to hear a mother's cry. I had plans for him, I had dreams for him. And in one small second, those were gone. He was gone. And here I am, mourning the loss of one baby and finding joy in the life of another. Where oh where is the balance? I know God had plans for Sylas and those weren't here on this earth with me. I know that God has plans for this baby and those plans, I pray, do include hanging out with Mom =) I miss the moments, I could have been sharing these past 3 months. Now, I am starting over again with a new life. I am so very thankful God gave me both of them! I should feel blessed that he chose me to have the strength to bare this, but some days I do have to fight the pity party. If I let it, it would creep up and try and take over.

I must find the balance to keep Sylas with me and also be able to let myself be OK to have joy in the new life. I am living to get to the November appointment. I want the Doctor to tell us, everything is A OK! Those would be the sweetest words I will ever hear. Before Sylas, I think I took pregnancy for granted. You want a baby? Boom, you have a baby. No if's, and's, or butt's about it. Now, I know oh to well how precious life is. I can do everything right, but sometimes that just isn't enough. That my friends, is the sucktastic part of life!

God, grant me balance. Keep my baby with me always and help me to rejoice this new life we ill soon get to know and name as our own. Help me that I don't loose focus on you and to not stop remembering, you didn't leave me.

"Peace like a river"....

Until then..
Sylas's Greatest Fan
Mommy

1 comment:

  1. I don't always have the best words but I know that our dreams for ourselves and our children are different than God's. I'm praying for you to have balance and for this new baby.
    "Since we have been made right with God by our faith, we have peace with God . . ." Romans 5:1 (NCV).
    Romans 8:28 gets me through the day. It is also my son's birth verse. I love it.

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