I am feeling normal today. I guess my hormones have decided to balance out again. Tomorrow, could be a different story, so hang around for the roller coaster. I tried to finish up the paperwork today for the UAMS appointment for the new baby. The questions I have to answer yes to now, suck.... Have you ever...Given birth to a stillborn, a baby with a heart defect, how many births have you had..... I wanted to scribble them out and say N/A, but I know the truth even when I want to deny the loss. I know that this is in our and the baby's best interest to have all of these early test done, but I would give anything to go back in time. Where is Micheal J. Fox and his time machine when I need him?
I keep having to remind myself about the growing life inside of me. You would think my lack of being able to fit into any type of pants because of the in between thing I have going on, the need to visit every bathroom everywhere I go, would all remind me, but sadly there are moments where I forget and just remember my brokenness. Remember this blog is about me being open and honest and that will mean I may say things that shock you like that may have.
I see Sylas in my dreams and I try and find the new baby, but they aren't with him. I guess that's a good sign, right? His sweet face isn't swollen in my dreams. I want to reach to hold him, but as fast as he comes, he is gone. I want to ask him if he has seen the new baby. My nightly prayers always include asking God to love Sylas until I get there one day to love on him. I pray for an overwhelming peace for the inside of me that stays afraid of the unknown and I pray for each organ and body part of the new baby, even down to the toes. Strange huh? I always took those things for granted, now I have a whole new insight. This new life forming is in such a precious stage. Even before they were formed in my womb, God knew who they would become. What an awesome moment. I can't control everything, but I can control my prayers and I can control that I will trust a God who has never left me. That gives me peace even when the roller coaster I am on, is in the middle of one of the upside down turns.
Sylas's Greatest Fan